I’ve been thinking and I had an Epiphany today. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they have to love you back, and when I say this I am speaking specifically of abusive relationships, so consider yourself warned.
When we are in love, we are willing to do whatever we can to make the person we think we love happy. Sometimes that means putting our own selves in danger in order to get back to the place where things are beautiful again.
But is the beautiful really worth it? Does it last long enough?
I started to think that it was, once upon a time, until I realized that love isn’t supposed to hurt the way it does when it’s impure.
In it’s most impure form, love is toxic and destructive. We allow these people – in my case specifically, men – to destroy everything about ourselves before we finally reach the point of no return and stand up to our abusers.
I’m watching Lost Girl again, and this time the Fey that Isabeau is trying to save, sacrifices herself in order to end the life of another fey who is trying to own the fey songstress.
The songstress dies of course, because how else would the story end? but it takes her death to set her free from men who claim to own her. In the fey world it seems the patriarchy is alive and well just as it is in our world.
In this episode, Kenzi and Hale realize they love each other, just in time for Hale to die.
They spend all these seasons running around each other, not talking about their feelings and by the time they do it’s too late. I don’t want it to be too late. I don’t ever want to be in the kind of narcissistic relationships I’ve had in the past.
I don’t want to be with men who think the can own me and control me by way of my genitals. I deserve and demand better than that, for myself and for my future daughters.
I don’t want to be in the kind of relationship where my partner makes me feel like crap about myself and demeans everything I hold to be true and clear in my heart.
I want the kind of relationship that comes with open healthy communication. I want the kind of relationship that comes with hugs and kisses instead of slaps and punches.
That means finding a partner who understands that I will always have a lot of emotional work to do, who is willing to do that shit with me and I call it shit because that’s what it is. It’s shit covered baggage from a shit river, filled with darkness and pain and sorrow.
There’s a good chance that I will never be the kind of writer who wins awards or accolades, but at least I am living my journey honestly. I may never be the kind of woman who falls in love, and gets married and has kids, but at least I am living my life freely.
I don’t know if I am the kind of person that can give that up for anyone. It’s taken me far too long to get where I am today.
What about you, how do you deal with relationships after abuse? Do you have any advice to give?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, I’ll be looking for the comments.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 