Have you ever burped so hard and although you might be embarrassed, you also just feel fucking good after? Yeah, that.
That’s what happens when you let go of the bullshit. There was once this girl, who thought I wanted her boyfriend, who kissed me at an after hours party.
Just to be clear, you know who you are, and I assure you, I want no part of your relationships. I want nothing to do with it.
I realized that what that guy did, was gross for a lot of reasons. First of all because he had a girlfriend who already hated me for existing, but also because I didn’t ask to be kissed, and I damned sure didn’t want to be kissed by him.
It feels good to say that, like a well articulated burp.
Women are often put against each other to save the ego of a guy and I am really over it. I used to like this girl, I tried everything I could to be her friend, but nothing I tried seemed to work.
So eventually I gave up, because I don’t chase anyone, ever. I am not a chaser, I am the leading lady in my own story and I always have been. I am selfish this way and I admit to it.
Men were forever kissing me – not because I am overly attractive, but because men don’t know how to keep their fucking hands to them God damned selves.
I remember once a guy kissed me, and then he slapped me. Everyone thought that I was completely in love with him, and even though I had a bit of a crush, I wasn’t really interested in pursuing anything, because the man had straight up too much drama.
One of his friends kissed me once, and then said “now he’ll never touch you,” because guys don’t make out or touch women that their friends have touched. That was the most hurtful thing, worse than being raped in someways, because he did it purely to put a claim on me so the guy I really like wouldn’t.
I loath men.
I don’t say that lightly. I know what it means. I know that not all men are abusive pricks, but the majority of the men I have met in my life absolutely are, which is why it’s so difficult for me to even contemplate having a relationship with a man these days.
I can’t fucking stand y’all. Y’all are like the burp that won’t release itself into the world. I am forever waiting for you to do something scummy, because eventually ya’ll always do.
Women are often put against each other for the sake of the male ego. I know I said this already, but it bears repeating.
Do you know how many female and women friends I would have if it weren’t for the men in my life? I do. Quite a few.
There are so many amazing, beautiful, strong and powerful women in this city, who allow themselves to be treated less than they deserve, and tricked into believing that their guy is so great women can’t keep their hands off the aforementioned guy.
The truth is, men are fucking scum in this town.
I know they tend to do it in other places too, but I can’t speak to other places, I can only speak to Surrey, BC.
In Surrey BC, Women most assuredly, do not get the respect that they deserve. Surrey is a nexus town, it’s like everyone thinks that the shit that happens here is the only shit that matters in the entire universe. They have forgotten their spirituality, forgotten that there are bigger things in the world then whether or not a guy is loyal.
Men in British Columbia, specifically gang guys are forever testing the loyalty of their women, but never giving the same loyalty back in return and I am just utterly and completely over it.
It’s fucking childish and I am not a child anymore. If you want my loyalty your ass has to fucking earn it, that’s why no guy in Surrey, British Columbia has ever truly had my loyalty. None of them proved that they wanted it enough.
Not by any means that were respectful to me as a woman for that matter…except for my friend and cousin Dayon. He has my loyalty, because in my darkest most terrified moments he was there for me.
He’s the only man on Earth, actually besides my brothers, that have my loyalty, because he didn’t treat me as a thing to be used, but as someone to be protected and loved. He taught me that not all men hit, rape and abuse women.
He stood up for me without anyone asking him to, and while the press says he did something hanious, as far as I am concerned, I will always have his back.
That’s what loyalty means, it means being willing to protect Black women. It means standing up against our oppressors, it means standing up to the White men who see as things to be controlled. Instead as humans to be loved and cherished.
Being loyal to women doesn’t make you less of a man, if anything it makes you more of a man because it means that we can trust you. You ever hear that phrase, you earn more kindness with honey than vinegar? Well you earn more loyalty by not being a degenerate jackass rapist.
I don’t feel bad about naming the men who did rape me, I feel bad about the ones I named who didn’t. Until I remember y’all knew and didn’t say shit. To me or to anyone else for that matter.
Y’all let me go off crazy and instead of defending me y’all turned on me. I am okay with that.
I am okay with that because I am who I am and I know that I didn’t deserve what I got. I was always loyal, until y’all gave me a reason not to be, and when I say “y’all” I mean you women.
The women who saw what happened, who knew what was going to happen to me and didn’t warn me. To the ones who pretended to be my friend so you could remove the shame of knowing that your boyfriends and husbands raped me, from your shoulders.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. You should absolutely be ashamed of yourselves because y’all have daughters you would kill for.
My only question is why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t you accept that the only thing I wanted to do was grow up and be a writer, instead of a victim? Why did y’all have to abuse me? We could have been Ohana, but you chose this. You made me who I am.
That’s not a threat, it’s just the fucking reality. I deserved better. Women in Surrey, deserve better than to be considered an after thought.
We deserve to live without men pawing at us or kissing us against bathroom walls, we deserve not to be dragged into dark corners and kissed whether we want it or not. We deserve not to be called whores because a guy does something we don’t want.
Women, in general. Fucking deserve better, so do better men. Cause right now the only thing y’all to me is an unburped reality.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 