About three weeks ago I was completely asleep when I heard a small tiny sound. I woke up, screamed as loud as I could and realized the thing that had scared me was a pair of freshly born kittens who were running around my bedroom.
But God damn did that scream feel good. It felt like I had put all of my frustrations, anxiety, stress and all the drama I could muster into those two screams and it felt amazing.
Sometimes you just have to release the God damned banshee, the consquences be damned. We’re told often that we shouldn’t scream, that we should always keep to our indoor voices, because that’s what responsible adults do.
But here’s the thing, I am not a responsible adult, that’s probably why I am still on out patient care.
That’s neither here nor there. The point is, that in many ways I am still very child like. I require supervision to take my medication because sometimes I forget, and that’s never a good thing.
Not having complete control over your own life can be debilitating if you are not careful. Knowing that you need help however is a huge …well help. Knowing how best to utilize that help is a skill you learn over time, not something you are born knowing.
It takes time and experience to know that you need help and I am not so good at admitting it when I am, which is why I get so frustrated with people. I do not always know how to articulate what I need.
This leads to a cycle of frustration, anxiety and anger that revolves over and over again until I at least try to address the problem. For instance yesterday I had an issue with another Content Creator.
I did my usual passive aggressive attacks until I realized that the reason I was so annoyed with her was because I wasn’t just fucking telling her what was on my mind.
The last time I tried to address a problem with a friend, it cost me my friendship with that person, largely and most importantly because they refused to hear me out.
This time around I had the benefit of both time distance and social media to help us both confront that we could have each handled things better.
Bringing this up to this person was really fucking difficult, because I hate nothing more than I hate confrontation. I’ve been hurt too many times by people I have had to confront…which is why I don’t fucking do it.
But deciding that the risk of losing a friend was more important than my feelings, I realized talking to them about it was the only way to ensure that the relationship we are building becomes a bridge instead of a wall.
Knowing how, and when, to unleash the banshee is just as important as the act of letting her out. I wouldn’t randomly scream for no reason, not unless I was so angry I couldn’t stand it or so terrified I might die.
It’s important to know how and when to release your emotions, it’s called creating boundaries and it’s something that I am getting really good at. I am finding that the more I use the word “no” the more I start to resonate with the power of “yes.”
Yes I want to build a brand based on helping others with their mental health. Yes that means that I might need to go back to school to learn a thing or two. Yes that means that means I might trigger some stuff and yes that might be difficult, but no…it’s absolutely not impossible.
Yes I want to branch out from doing just a website, but no that doesn’t mean that I want to include fashion and music to this magazine just yet. Yes I want to be a part of the literature world in many different forms so yes that means I need to learn to hone my craft.
Yes, I want to enjoy life on a beach somewhere and be writing from somewhere that is here, but yes I also want the LMBG Brand to be based in Surrey, British Columbia where it was originally born. Yes that means that I have a lot of work to do and a lot to learn.
Yes, becomes easier to say when it’s something that you are absolutely and truly powerfully passionate about. And once you realize that, the fucking game changes because the people that want to hurt you stop being able to.
I remember a few years ago, Adele’s ex boyfriend sued her because he inspired the songs on her first album. I remember thinking “you dodged a bullet with that one Adele.” Largely because I understood then how far your abusers will go to destroy your life, even after you have moved past them on your journey.
Your past will always come back to haunt you, to challenge you and push you, to make sure that what you say you want is what you want. Your job is to remember that you have survived every bad moment up to this point, and you can survive whatever else comes your way.
You learned how to fight back against your abusers, a long fucking time ago. You learned the power of your own voice, and there are other skills and talents you have picked up along the way that have helped you survive.
You can say yes to the things that are scary. I am terrified of the idea of going back to school, but I am going to do it because I know that a certain point I am going to hit a wall. There are things out there for the world to teach me that I can’t learn by sitting in my office every day by myself.
There are teachers out there that I haven’t yet had the chance to meet face to face, people whose experiences have lessons I need so that I can thrive too. I am excited for those days, but before I get there I still have a lot of work inside of me that I need to get into this magazine.
You have a lot of work to do too, you’re not done yet, don’t forget that.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 