Letters

Sex After Abuse Takes More Work

It’s a shift in the way we are as human beings. Prior to being abused we were open with who we were. We were freer, maybe we wore dresses or shorts. Maybe we felt comfortable in our sexuality and our sensuality.

After abuse we become something different, a hybrid version of ourselves, somewhat kind of broken pieces that we have to stitch back together. I find that in stitching those pieces back together I realize that I had to rip some of them wide open only to replace them and do it all over again.

After you’ve been abused you learn to rebuild yourself into something new, and that something new isn’t as always as comfortable in their sexuality as they might used to have been.

There are conversations you have to have with yourself and your potential partner that you may not have had to have otherwise. There are conversations with yourself that have to take place.

You have to re-learn everything you thought you knew about consent, just to remind yourself that you actually are allowed to say “no” and “stop”.

You have to get used to the idea that your body is yours and that although you are sharing it with another person (or persons, no judgement) it’s still yours at the end of the day and you can still say no.

Having sex after you have been abused is difficult, because trust means a lot more now than it did before. Because you now realize how vulnerable you are when someone is inside of you, you’re aware of the weight of them ontop of you and inside of you.

You’re aware that they may not get off of you, that they may not stop when you’re ready and the fear kicks in, and yeah it ruins everything, but more importantly it puts a barrier up between you and your partner, and it isn’t one that is going to be easily torn down.

Sex after abuse takes a lot of work, and energy, but if you find the right partner, that makes it a lot easier. I think the idea of emotionally preparing yourself for sex after abuse is a huge task.

It’s not easy, because it’s not just about the sex, your body in of itself becomes a trigger. I won’t go into details because I don’t want to trigger anyone, but I hope you get what I am alluding to.

You have to remember, and to remind yourself often that your body is yours. It was given to you at birth, and no one but you gets to decide who gets to share your body.

That lessons is taken from you when you’ve been abused, but it’s one that is keeping me going everyday.

Even on days when I don’t shower or shave, my body is still my body. Even on days when I don’t take care of it the way I should, my body is still mine.

Rapists and abusers use pain and torture to convince you that they own every square inch of your body, but masturbation reminds you that it is yours, and I know that sounds both frank and too much information but it’s true in it’s entirety.

You are allowed to give yourself pleasure on your terms, no matter what anyone else might think. You are allowed to share your body, on your terms, no matter what anyone else thinks.

Like anything, finding our sexuality after abuse takes time, and the ability to investigate everything we think we know about ourselves until we find the absolute center of truth.

When you find out who you are, sex becomes as easy as breathing, because by the time that happens you’ll have found the person, or persons who are on your vibration. They will understand that you have been violated and they will move at your pace, with ease for them.

It’s not difficult to find people you want to have sex with, but it’s a hell a lot better when you meet someone who can make you see the Gods. Or something I didn’t know how to end this post so you got this romantic rambling garbage.

Good luck and don’t forget to fap

Love Always

Siddha Lee Saint James

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