I’ve never understood the need to become an Actor, and it is genuinely a need. I know this because I went to Fine Art’s School and I met plenty of “Actors”, they -need- to be on stage. They need the roar of a crowd and the adventure that comes with being something or someone they are not.

I have always been the weird girl, and it was a title I accepted without thinking about it. I just fucking was. What you saw was what you got, and very rarely did two people see the same person twice.

I spent so long pretending to be normal, that there was no choice for me to be anything but the weird girl.

I’ve told plenty of lies throughout my life, largely to protect my secret from people that I liked but didn’t necessarily trust, but I’ve never lied about being sexually abused.

I’ve never lied about being bullied or abused mentally and emotionally, and I’ve never understood the inclination to do so.

I never saw the fun in being a victim, I’ve never understood why anyone would want to claim they were raped or abused when they were in fact the abuser, but that’s because I didn’t understand true narcissism until I really looked back at all of the men in my life.

Not all of them were narcissistic, mind you, but plenty of them were, and it was only when I started to realize how their abuse was never about “me” it was about their needs to control and be in control, without being in control, that I was able to sit back and start to understand how fucking cruel abusers can be.

The worst part of being abused isn’t the abuse, you learn to get used to that, it’s the pretending that they, the abuser, is the actual victim in the scenario.

It’s having your friends and family turn on you, when they are supposed to be the place you find the most comfort, they can often be where you find the most cruelty.

I remember telling my friend that I was raped….he raped me, and told me never to tell anyone because no one would believe that three men had raped me in as many weeks.

He didn’t know that I’d already been raped repeatedly for years, he wouldn’t have cared because is and will always be a rapist in his own right.

Rape and abuse isn’t about love or control, it’s about someone having power over you and for many years I was absolutely surrounded by narcissists who raped me and go away with it, because who would believe that I was being raped as often as I was?

That shit happened, why would I make it up? What purpose does it serve except to cause harm if I am lying? Luckily for me there is a record of at least some of the abuse, but I shouldn’t have to be my own advocate.

This is the reality of being a true victim of sexual abuse, we have to fight for every scrap of attention, meanwhile women like Amber Heard have hundreds of thousands of people defending her, when it turns out…she was the abuser.

This is the part where men and women all around the entire world are screaming about how we lie about the abuse we’ve experienced and they will hold Amber Heard up as proof that because one woman may have allegedly lied, all women and men lie.

That’s not the truth at all. The truth is that the false accusations are far outweighed by the fact that too many of them are true, but they cause twice as much damage as the real accusations.

It’s not enough to talk to your boys about rape and consent, abuse and communication, but we have to talk to our girls about the weight of those accusations, because they do happen, and when they do it harms all real victims and survivors everywhere.

I am not saying Amber Heard is innocent, but I am not saying she’s not innocent, what I am saying is that millions of women everywhere choose every day to boycott Johnny Depp film’s and brand because of accusations that might not be as accurate as first reported.

There are consequences for men and women who rape, and there need to be consequences for women and men who make false accusations, it’s as simple as that. This behavior cannot be allowed to continue.

Sending all my love to those still fighting their abusers,

Devon J Hall

3 thoughts on “Why Are You Pretending?

    1. It does get easier, I promise, eventually you get to a place of anger, and then resentment and finally acceptance, and when you’ve accepted that it really happened, you’re able to talk about it with more strength. At least that is my experience, thank you for sharing a part of your story with me, you are very brave and incredibly strong too. Don’t forget that.


    2. After many months I can honestly say no. It doesn’t get easier, but our voices get stronger every time we talk about it. Share your story in whatever way you can, not to help others, but to set yourself free. At least that’s how I look at it.


Share Your Thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.