Man.
My younger self is a fucking moron. My current self isn’t much better.
I’m sitting here worrying that at any moment someone might kick in my door, so what do I do? I put my fucking headphones in and crank the music to terrible decibels, because why the fuck should I not enjoy my music out of fear and fuck that fucking shit fuck that.
My older self is kind of a twat for not hurrying up and getting here, and this is what they mean when they say Existential Crisis.
I shouldn’t be alive and that’s fucking hilarious. Given my past and the abuse I experienced there is absolutely no reason statistically speaking I should be alive.
Even if my claims are bullshit, (they aren’t.) the average person would have tried and successfully committed suicide given what they experience due to abuse than survive.
There for I am not fucking average, I am motherfucking superior.
I am the fittest to have survived and that’s fucking hilarious because every part of my body hurts twenty four hours a day and seven days a week and its hilarious.
I really started to resent these aches and pains until I sat back and really thought about why I am in pain all the time. It’s not just the terrible way I sit, it’s because I had to fight back against abusers and myself, I had to fucking survive and now my body is reminding me of that as I wonder if I am ever going to be able to follow my dreams.
Baby relax I say to myself, you’re fucking safe, you got this far, you have a lot longer to go, enjoy the aches and pains because you remember what it was like to feel nothing.
There is pleasure in knowing that the aches and pains I feel today are there to remind me that I am stronger than I thought, that in many cases I fought back with everything I had.
I take hot showers, I am lucky enough to get a few free massages every few months, and I stretch whenever possible. I am doing everything I can to take care of these aches and pains and to sooth my body as often as possible, but it’s all part of the healing process.
My body is absolutely and utterly exhausted from the years of abuse and hiding, running and self mutilation through tattoo and falling over everything even remotely in my path.
It needs a break, and in understanding that I find the deeper knowledge that I am, like you a fucking survivor.
That’s all I have to say on the topic, I just thought I would laugh at the fact that I thought these aches and pains meant that I was weak and pathetic. I’m strong and tired bitch, and I am going to get up again and be stronger than ever.
The only difference between now and then is that now I know how far I’l go to survive, I know what I’ll do to make sure that I make it out on top…that makes me fucking terrifying and that’s hilarious because I’m just a sweet innocent kitten.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 