Brown Girl Art

I want to…keep struggling a little while longer.

UntitledRecently someone asked me what I would do if I had a hundred thousand dollars, “what would you do if you had that much money?” I laughed, the first thing that came to mind was the idea of going shopping, or maybe to the beach.

If I woke up and had a hundred thousand dollars I wasn’t expecting, fall into my lap I honestly don’t know what I would do with myself because I never think that far ahead.

I only think about this moment to the next, because that’s who I am, sure I have hopes, dreams wishes and even plans that would be cool to have happen one day, but when it comes to having goals, I don’t really have any besides the idea of owning a house and maybe having enough money to pay my bills with.

It would be great if I could help others, but right now the only thing I am capable of doing is helping myself, which is why I am going to my appointments, checking in with my support group, slim as it might be, and ensuring that I do as much content creation as I can, across as many platforms as possible, because I am actually enjoying the content that I am creating.

I am focusing on me, and so yes, I want the struggle just a little bit more, because I know that I need it. Outwardly I’m not really going anywhere just yet, but I am only just now beginning to feel the upswing, the emotional struggle that I’ve been dealing with for so long isn’t over, it’s not coming to an end it’s just growing stronger because I am genuinely putting more of myself into this…content.

I am perusing the dream of becoming a paid writer, and here I am following my dream and being exactly what I’ve always wanted to do, even if the income isn’t what I had hoped for…yet.

I think they call this place that I am at “Spiritually Aware”. The Tarot reading I just did for myself pretty much confirmed everything that I am saying here, which is one more reason I am so utterly relaxed.

Someone on Twitter recently said that they took a deep breath and realized that they were exactly where they were meant to be, and completely unafraid of what comes next, and interestingly that’s precisely how I feel at this moment, however I’m heavily sedated because I am utterly mentally exhausted, and not quite stoned enough.

Part of it is that I am genuinely happy in my chaos, I am finally able to say what I want exactly as I want, and in the time that I want without feeling rushed to say all the things that are rushing through my mind. I don’t have to use verbal diarrhea to get my point across.

And somewhere out there some asshole is screaming at their computer “Great you found internal fucking happiness, how the fuck did you get there?” leh hah, I learned to embrace the suck.

It’s as simple as that, it’s not “Get over it” simple, it’s learning that the suck is part of the process and having everything given to you turns you into a blithering fucking jackass, who seems to think he knows everything before it’s actually said and officially done.

For the longest time I let myself get lost in all the movies that people think suck, because those are the movies that really spoke to me. I avoid hero or heroine tales mostly, and stick to comedies because they make me laugh and after everything I’ve been through I’ve been trying to teach myself to laugh again. Mostly, lately especially those same films actually make me bored, and more often than not I just get irritated at the “they have a happily ever after” ending.

I used to love reading romance novels, I used to love reading them like most people like drinking fine wine, I stopped when I got used to too many bad and overly controlling relationships, to really enjoy the “fairy tale ending” bullshit. I stopped wondering what happened after the wedding, when I found out that more often than not it’s nothing good.

That’s why Harlequin romance novels are more often than not a complete run off of one off stories that actually end in the fucking wedding kiss. Nothing happens after – they have a bunch of kids, beat the crap out of each other and get a divorce. Or he dies. Or goes to jail. Or ends up in a homeless camp. Or an institution.

That’s what I have learned from Surrey, British Columbia, which is precisely why I decided that I had zero intention of dating in Surrey…but see I did that, and I found a lot of men, with a lot of money, largely because they worked hard and partied harder, doing a lot of drugs and ending up in places I knew I didn’t want my children to go.

I decided a long time ago that I was going to be the kind of woman who could stand on her own two feet without a man or a mom holding me back. I was going to be the woman who made it out of the ‘glades, (Arrow reference because I live in BC where they film.) on my own two feet and nothing was ever going to stop me from being that person.

I forgot that for awhile, I forgot that in this time of healing what I was really doing was cleaning house, emptying my metaphysical closet of what I thought I needed, in order to make room for what I actually need, which brings me to the need to purge my house.

With the exception of my mother’s desk, a purple bookshelf, my grandfather’s desk and a few odds and ends I’d get rid of everything I own and start over if I could, but I can’t, because I can’t afford to…and I am okay with that because…I’m learning to embrace the suck.

I have a thousand reasons for not purging the things in my house, and I think that’s because the things that are in this house are important to me because everything in this house is something that has been given or bought in a time of great joy.

I’ve gotten rid of things that held me back from coming to this place, things given to me by people who wounded me so deeply that the idea of continuing to hold onto their “stuff” just means holding onto relationships that are too damaged to repair.

I am not interested in the damage any more – there in lies the “how I did it.” When we are completely uninterested in the lives we are living, the emotional damage that causes manifests in physical ways as reminders that as far as we have come we still have a long way to go.

So if you really want to find true inner peace and happiness, ask yourself if you are actually interested in your life any more. If not, then you need to take a hard look at your life, the people who have inspired or affected you and ask yourselves what the hell they are doing in your life.

It’s not about abundance, it’s not even about self love, it’s about self purpose, and that’s the part that I forgot.

So to the men who reminded me of that, I thank you genuinely, Phil, you are without a doubt the bird who always hears my whispers.

Sending all my love,

Siddha-Boo

 

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