So This Move Is Almost Done

I still have to go back and clean, but I am no longer staying at the old apartment. I lost my cats in the move.

They took off while we were packing up the trucks with stuff we were keeping, and didn’t come back when I went to look for them yesterday…so I am going back tonight and tomorrow to see if I can find them and to clean up.

I feel like the worst cat owner ever. I thought that I would take the time to catch them in the morning, and I tried, I have the scratch marks to prove it, they were NOT happy with the idea of carriers, and had no problem letting me know.

I am doing all I can to find them but it’s unlikely that I can keep going back on the off-chance they returned home.

I’ll give it tonight and tomorrow and if I don’t find them I’ll call the SPCA to have them keep a lookout, mom says it’s all I can do, I feel like I should be able to develop superhuman powers so that I can find my babies because they are NOT outdoor cats. Not at all.

I feel awful about spending another night away from them, so this afternoon’s mission is set: Find the cats, and bring them to the shelter I’m staying at so that I can keep my animals safe.

Hopefully, with enough prayers the animals will be found and I’ll be snuggling them tonight until forever.

I guess that’s all I have to say right now, there are no insights, I have no wisdom to offer, no petty notations of “it’s going to get better,” because right now I feel about as low as a person can feel.

I have no clothes to wear because I had to get rid of most of what I owned, and what little I have is packed in boxes and I don’t know if they made it here or if they are in storage.

I’m not surprised after everything that I’ve been through, that this is where I ended up. I’m not surprised at all. Poverty chips away at all the parts of you until there is nothing left, and I’m not entirely sure how many fights I have left in me.

I asked for help and I didn’t get it, and now I’m “sheltered” but not technically “housed,”, it’s humiliating, it’s humbling, and it’s a reminder that this world has done everything possible to “put me in my place,”, and no matter how hard I fight back against that reality, it just keeps getting worse.

Yes, I’m low. I’m scared, I’m still going to be the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, I’m just a lonely and depressed LMBG, and I know things will get better because I will keep fighting, but in this moment, I’m scared, alone, and honestly out of fucks to give.

I feel like I’m in the scene in the movie right when everything seems desperate and some blink of inspiration shows up to make the MC’s life all better, but…there is no blink of inspiration here.

I am where I am because I got sicker and sicker and when I asked for help the people that could have done something chose to do little to nothing. I was let down. Again.

The lesson here shouldn’t be “if you want something done, do it yourself,” it should be “now you know how the system is broken so go fix it….” but I’m just not sure what to do to fix this system that allowed me to end up in this kind of poverty.

I’m not special, I realize that. There are people who are in far worse conditions than myself, but the point is that none of us should be living the way that we are. We shouldn’t be starving at night because there isn’t enough food on our table.

We shouldn’t be struggling so hard t make it through the day, and I know soooo many of you understand this but I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to the ones who are so high up they can’t hear me.

YOU SAID: I learned to prioritize comfort over pain,” but you won’t teach others how you did it because it shames you to admit you were once one of us. I can’t find anything to respect about that.

There are people out there who are dying because they’re trying to be the ones who have no problems, they are killing themselves to be perfect and throwing away their lives to this idea that you must be a certain weight, color, race, creed, nationality, size, or orientation, to be successful or powerful.

And it’s all because of white supremacy and the patriarchy, and I see that now in more ways than I can count. I see it in the faces of the white cops, or even the Brown ones who look down on the communities they are supposed to be SERVING, not killing.

I see it in the faces of the doctors and nurses who note my race and think that because I have mental health issues I am somehow stupider or under-educated. No my education isn’t formal but that’s not my fault. I learned what I know because I needed to survive, not because it stirred my soul.

I lost the only stable home I had, we lost our animals, we lost most of our stuff, and I am just praying that in this move, in this phase of transition, we don’t lose ourselves.

I’m so tired, I’m going to cry for a little while and then go hunt down my animals if I can

Wish me luck

Devon J Hall