I built this website so that I could share my voice with the world, without being afraid of what the world was going to respond with. I deliberately chose to put my story out there, so that people would understand me, and what kills me is so many who claim to know me really don’t.
My voice matters. Not more than yours, not less than yours, just period. My voice is important. It teaches and it learns, it flows and it ebbs, and it changes as I grow wiser and more in tune with myself and with the universe.
I am important.
I am writing this because today of all days I am not feeling very important to the world. I let myself get sick and I made a mess. It’s not something I can fix overnight, and it’s not something I have the strength to fix on my own, but here it is.
I’m not perfect, but the difference between me and others is that because I know that I am not perfect, I’ve allowed myself to believe that I am somehow more worthy or more important than other people and that’s not true.
I made mistakes because I was traumatized and I couldn’t see to the degrees that I can see now. I see a lot differently when I look at people I don’t like, or who have habits I do not want to adopt, I realize “wait a minute I’m judging that person based on my values.” And then I ask myself why, often times it’s because I see habits or addictions they have that I am afraid to adopt.
But sometimes it’s just because some people are crappy people. They talk too loud, they talk too much and before you finish speaking they already assume they know who you are based on what they think you’re going to say. These people are narcissists and they are very frustrating.
I’m finding it more and more difficult to remember how to be a human being because I’m so used to just following everyone else’s lead.
I’m tired of following everyone else’s lead, so I am not doing it anymore. I’m going to branch out and find new ways to get my story and my messages out because I want as many people as possible to believe that their stories matter.
This has always been the goal of this website, even if the reasons I wanted that to be the end goal have changed, the goal itself has remained the same.
When you push me to feel small, insignificant, and unwanted, I will walk away. I won’t fight anymore because when I fight I end up tearing people a part and I lose control. It’s not fair to fight against me because you’ll either have met your match or someone that won’t stop until they see blood. This isn’t the person I want to be.
I’m a pacifist, I don’t believe in violence and I want no part in it. I was raised to believe that if there were a group of five, I was going to be the one to get into trouble because I was always the one that looked different then everyone else. And it was always true that I was blamed for shit that wasn’t my fault.
Most recently I’ve been called a rat – again – for coming out about being raped as a child. When children come forward and say they are abused they are hailed as heroes, when adults say it we’re rats, or we’re lying. It’s never “I’m so sorry how can I help you?” or “I hear you, let’s fix this situation for you,” or “what do you need?” It’s always “no it never happened.”
I’m so tired of people stomping on me because they are trying to prove a point. I am not your exclamation point, I am a human being with feelings and if you can’t respect my space, then you no longer get access to me. That’s the end of the story.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
If you have thoughts you’d like to add about this post, please leave a message, and let’s talk about them
There are several ways to help support this site, if you’re interested, it’s much appreciated. Thank you. Supporting this website means you’re also supporting a disabled mixed-race Black non-binary person from Surrey BC. Thank you so much for your efforts. It means the world to me and convinces me to keep going.
Support Shop Book Shop Go Fund Me
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 