It’s annoying really, but it’s also the right thing, which is why it’s annoying. Because not giving up is the next right thing to do, as Jessika Houston is constantly reminding me. It’s about moving forward always, even when it hurts, even when it’s confusing, even when you hear the voice that says “nope you’re a failure.”
No one who made it did so without sacrificing parts of themselves, no one who became successful in a seemingly overnight experience, did so overnight in actuality. It took Selena Williams almost 40 years to become Serena Williams, Ma’am!
2Pac had to die to be called arguably one of the best rappers of all time, but was he? People put a different spin on shit when you die, doesn’t mean that what they say about you is true or that it’s even what they feel, but the spin is real y’all.
I don’t want to be dead to be considered great, and that’s the one thing that’s stopping me from doing so much.
Today I had to go get my blood tested as I told you in my last post, and it was the first time in years I’ve been outside by myself, around regular folk. At first, it was because I was suddenly terrified to go out alone once my story hit and people started reading the blog, but then it became about the pandemic, and then it became about being so isolated that I forgot how to people.
Now it’s my agoraphobia keeping me inside. i spend so much of my time alone that I struggle with communicating with others, I struggle with basic human politeness and that’s why part of me thinks I might be autistic, the other part of me just thinks I’ve been isolated too long and I need to find a short term job or volunteer opportunity so I can get back into the world.
But all of me is terrified of going back into the world, for a variety of reasons. Y’all didn’t want me out there the first time, you tried to kill me repeatedly over the years, so what makes me think I’ll be any safer tomorrow than I don’t feel today?
Very few people understand what it means to live in a world that hates you so much they’d just as soon call you a rat and let you die as they protect pedophiles because that’s way safer than just saying “yes I’m male and I was a victim of rape.”
Easier to come after me for speaking out than stand on your own two feet, and yet you call yourself a gangster, I am so fucking mad at you. You ain’t a g, you’re a bitch. REAL G’s admit when they’ve been through shit, they talk about it.
THE OLD ONES understood the importance of communication, of knowing that the shame of abuse isn’t the victims to carry, but you youngins have no respect for the old days, and so you treat the victim like your bitch because she’s trying to get you out of this life, and you refuse to stand beside her because you’re afraid of what your friends will think.
What friends.
Period, not a question. If your friends love you they stand with you, right? Ride or die right bitch? I was riding, I almost died, TWICE. Where the fuck were you?!
And now I get to live my life in fear because you’re too afraid to stand beside me because you care what people think of you.
You’re not a gangster you’re a bitch.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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Loud Mouth Brown Girl 