Welcome to my digital home on the internet’s pathway to divine intervention…or something. I don’t know man, I’m slightly stoned, utterly caffeinated, and honestly just bored of the bullshit. The truth is today I am super anxious because I have to get my blood tested and I fucking hate needles. I don’t care about getting my blood tested, that’s fine, it’s the single ten minutes of sitting there with a needle in my arm that is incredibly triggering.
This is because growing up, a needle in the arm rarely meant “taking care of your health,” and always meant “junkee.” Now, I hate that word, because it describes people with opioid and addiction disorder in the most horrible light, but as a child, it was a word I heard a lot.
It’s a word used deliberately with the intent to cause harm and to judge those living with an addiction disorder. As an adult, the word is something I’ve only used once, in anger, and only when someone re-educated me about what that word meant, was I able to shift my thinking.
However, the art of needlework, (haha) is still a trigger for me. I’ve seen too many people I cared about, worked with, or knew in passing, die because of needles, and even though I know I’ll be perfectly safe, I’m also anemic, and because I’m anemic, I have to take extra care when getting my blood taken.
Every time I get a needle in my arm, I am reminded of the 90s Red Cross fiasco. It’s a stupid thing to think, it’s just, other people are not going to be as careful with my safety as I am going to be, and so when I see my blood outside of my body yeah I get freaked out.
So today I’m nervous. Tomorrow I am going to see my doctor for the first time since I tried to get a second opinion, and I’m really angry. I don’t like this doctor, I don’t trust this doctor, and I am really angry about the fact that when I told her I had a stalker, her response was to put me into a hospital where they didn’t have my regular medications.
That was a really dangerous choice and could have made things much worse if I wasn’t who I am, but I regulated really quickly, the problem is that I am tired of surviving, of bouncing back when bad shit happens, I just want bad shit to stop happening to me for a while.
So that’s where I’m at today, where are you?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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Loud Mouth Brown Girl 