When we’re moving from one place to the next, when we’re growing, when we’re changing, it can be super uncomfortable as an experience. That’s only because we’ve gotten comfortable and transformation always happens when we need it. It’s the blessing that we asked for, and it’s a curse because it’s uncomfortable.
That’s why it’s important to prepare yourself for change, and I am at fault because I didn’t do that. I’ve been so focused on “gotta hustle, gotta make money, gotta prove this matters,” that I haven’t been focusing on the practical side of life and now I have to. I have to stop checking out just because it’s hard or uncomfortable or because someone might see me.
I’ve come to understand that I struggle with talking to folks, with being seen, with being heard, and this is because I’ve been alone for four years, so my social skills have suffered exponentially.
It’s something that I’ve come to realize is really hard for me because I know that as a public-ish figure I have to get used to being seen and talking to people but for the last two years, most of my communication with others has taken place through zoom.
I’ve been struggling with trying to live up to expectations that I’m putting on myself, while I pretend that these expectations are coming from outside sources, except they aren’t.
The truth is that people don’t often expect a lot out of me, due to my mental health issues, so I expect a lot out of myself because I’m convinced that I have to prove to them that I can handle everything, but the truth is that writing 2 books doesn’t mean much to me.
It means a lot to other people, but because those books aren’t bringing in the dollars, because I didn’t do my marketing work very well, I feel less that I failed, and more that I just need to keep working so that book 3 has a much larger reach than my second one did.
I know I can do better, and I know that I want to do better, so I know that I will do better, but I also know that I need to take a break and take care of myself, and get my priorities in order and doing the things that people expect out of me, whether I like it or not, is self-care.
I have to prove that I’m capable of living like an adult, if I’m ever to live like an adult, so like those of you who bought my book (thank you first of all), I’m going to work through the process again. andsee. if I can get it right this time.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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Loud Mouth Brown Girl 