Trigger Warning
This post may contain stories or triggers memories that may be difficult for you, the reader, to consume. I apologize for that, but this website is entirely about talking about the things that we do not talk about. If you or someone you know needs help, please use this page to find a helpline phone number in your area. If you can’t find it on this list, please use any search engine in the world. You are not alone.
Trigger Warning
For years, Surrey BC was a joke. “Don’t go there, you’ll get robbed.” Was the basic tagline of this city. My own grandfather told me, before he abused me, that Surrey was where the sluts lived, but North Delta was where the girls found good husbands, finished school, and had good lives.
He was lying, I knew it then and I knew it now.
Surrey BC is the place that nearly killed me sure, but it’s also the place that saved my life. That transformed everything I could have been, into something that was destined to destroy the way that people see Brown girls, specifically, and who we could be, if the world got the fuck out of our way.
For years, and I should actually say, for decades, I have been talking about sexual abuse, but as I’ve said repeatedly, people didn’t know how to understand what I was saying as a child, and eventually they just stopped listening.
Like too many kids, I was abused at too early an age, sexualized before I was able to walk or talk actually, and then as an adult, I’m just expected to get over it.
With the redevelopment in Surrey, all I can think is that if help was hard to get before, it’s going to be even harder now.
As a child, I used to think I’d have more power as an adult, but now I’m legally an adult and I feel even more powerless than ever before. It’s not drugs. I made a concentrated effort not to take drugs in my younger days. I didn’t want to be like the other kids, I just wanted to study, but every time I tried, at least one or two of my teachers were interrupting me to tell me that what I was doing was never good enough.
Honestly, I was just bored. I was so fucking bored, I either already knew what they were teaching, or I wasn’t allowed to take the classes that really interested me, that ignited my brain and inspired me to keep working on my studies. I got so bored I flunked out, and it wasn’t just boredom, it was the abuse I was experiencing at home, and in the shadows. I didn’t know how to explain, qualify or validate, what I was going through.
And even if I could have, no one who could have done anything would have believed me.
I’ve long suspected that the only reason I actively look for relationships with men, is because I’m conditioned to, but being with a woman doesn’t feel right either because I’m equally conditioned to believe that this is a sin.
I was today years old when I decided I no longer – truly – give a fuck. I’ve always been an activist, I’ve always been an ally, I’ve always been a part of the LGBTQ2+ community, whether they wanted me or not, but what I haven’t always – or ever been really – is someone who deliberately set out to hurt another person, just to prove that I’m not crazy.
For years all we heard about in Surrey BC was how dangerous it was, but we didn’t hear about the hundreds of youth – at risk or otherwise – who were secretly working together, to stop a ring of pedophiles. And today yet another one of them has been released from prison.
We spent years, DECADES not talking about what was done to us. DECADES being trained to be gangsters, drug dealers, sex slaves, and yet another one just gets to walk the fuck out of prison. Because even though he has a PROLIFIC career as an abuser, and as someone who broke into houses and raped people – most likely women and or children – they can’t find him.
Oops.
This summer, our abuser was released from prison, and predictably he took off the first chance he got. I happened to be driving in a cab toward the mall, not far from my home, when I saw him being arrested, he looked right at me. I smiled. He’d only been out for a few days I think.
I know that the RCMP will find him, but it doesn’t change the fact that these clowns shouldn’t be allowed period. Yeah we’re all for jail reform, yes we’re all for programs that help rehabilitate, and teach people to heal from the traumas that had them put in prison, but we’re absolutely not okay with pedophiles being released from prison because by the statistics alone we know that pedophiles NEVER STOP ABUSING.
They will continue to abuse, and track their victims as long as possible because they believe themselves to be hunters. They can talk all about love and respect for their victims all they want but if you ask any psychologist in the world they will tell you flat out:
Pedophiles do not love their victims. They are obsessed with controlling their victims, they have no desire to give their victims everything, and they have every desire to figure out all the twisted and fucked up ways to hurt their victims while pretending it’s love because they have no concept of what it means to actually care for someone else’s well being. They don’t know how and they don’t care to try because they don’t believe they should.
SG still swears to this day that we were “having an affair,” he was 37, and I was 16. That wasn’t a fucking affair, it was rape. Period and simple. It was always rape, it’s always going to have been rape, but he doesn’t see it that way. He’s got in his twisted sick brain that I was in love with him. Darlin, I just didn’t want you to kill me.
His downstairs neighbours swear in hand that a)The Goddess Chose Them, (nope, not kidding) and that they only did what they did, so that the others wouldn’t touch me. Still rape.
Rape is rape is rape is rape is rape is rape is rape is rape. And now at thirty-something, I’m too tired to ever bother trying to trust anyone, and the ones that I do trust are locked away where I’m not allowed to talk or see them because they’re dangerous.
You wanna talk about jail reform? Stop putting pedophiles behind bars with their victims, and victims in prison for crimes that pedophiles commit. Just a thought.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 