I’m Not Who You Want Me To Be, And That Makes You Uncomfortable. I’m Not Who I Want To Be, And That Pisses Me Off. I’m Working As Hard As I Can. Not Enough For You, Everything For Me.
In my Medium magazine, And Another Thing, someone recently commented that they prefer another writer’s style because that particular writer talks more about their day-to-day life.
I found that fascinating because the writer in question writes about racism like I do, but the difference is that instead of just calling out racism, the writer in question actually talks about the racism that they face. Everything from being denied paid seats on airplanes, to the way that taxi drivers talk to them.
In some ways, I am very lucky, because I have the privilege to discuss what I choose to discuss, and I don’t have to talk about the things that I faced growing up because I did that when I first started the website. I thought I was finished talking about the trauma and adding to the catalogue of trauma porn that is out there for people to consume.
When I was in my teens I used to write sex stories, for a website that was filled with men looking for children and sharing child porn – the first time I received child porn photos from a man I sent them to the FBI, and I stopped writing about sex.
I started a Tumblr blog in which I had dozens of adult photos, free to see, all reblogged from other users, and I loved sharing those photos even though they weren’t mine because there’s something truly beautiful about BDSM and sex, but it took me what felt like forever, to get to a place where i was comfortable with my sexuality.
And then it happened.
The Children Are Watching and Learning About All The Things The Adults Want To Keep Hidden. We Can Either Ignore That Or We Can Prepare Them, We Can’t Have It Both Ways.
A young man reached out to me and asked me to give him some advice on being a Daddy Dominant, and I would have been perfectly fine having that conversation, except that he claimed to be eighteen, and his partner/girlfriend was underage.
That was something that I wasn’t comfortable with, so I took the Tumblr blog down realizing that young people could see what I was writing and posting, and I wasn’t comfortable sharing that kind of stuff anymore.
I started this website because I wanted to share all of the parts of myself, with the world, not really thinking about the young people who would have access to my website. Or to the stories that I was telling.
It took a while but eventually I started getting comments and feedback from young people, some women, others men, others still non-binary people, telling me that they were resonating with my stories, and that meant a lot. It still does.
But over time, I also started receiving angry feedback. Men coming into my house, doing things no man should do, cops not taking me seriously, doctors not taking me seriously.
Yesterday I spoke with my psych nurse about what’s been going on, and her only response was “take your sleeping pills and get some rest.”
Great. Sure. I’ll be sure to remember that advice when I’m rotting in Hell because my abusers – whoever they are – are still stalking me.
“Take These Pills, They Will Help With Your Thoughts, But They Won’t Stop People From Hating You, Trying to Kill you, or Trying to Destroy Your Life. Just So You Know.”
When we’re discussing mental health and the stressors that attack our sanity, we have to acknowledge all the darkness, whether we like it or not because otherwise, what’s the point?
I have a past, and the more that I think about the people who helped to save my life – namely gangsters, and members of the Hells Angels Biker organization – the more that I think about the kind of future that I want for myself.
I don’t necessarily want to align myself with members of the Hells Angels, but I look at those relationships from my past, as far more honest than I do when I look at my relationships with politicians and with people who are socially acceptable.
Blame the Victims, That Will Make All The Bad Stuff Go Away, Because if You Shame The Victim Enough, She, They, Them, We, Will Shut up and You Can Go Back To Being Comfortable
I’m not going to apologize for the fact that I didn’t talk about how I survived it all for years, I am not going to apologize that over the last few days I’ve come out with stories of people from y past that include death, trauma, and nightmares.
But I’m expected to. I’m expected to say shit like, “hey so uh, sorry I used to hang out with Hells Angels who kept me safe from being raped.” I’m supposed to be ashamed of those associations because there are thousands of terabytes of information that say the HA are the bad guys. Sure they are, realistically, there some truly sick people out there wearing HA gear, but I’ve been lucky, I’ve been blessed, to have met some really good men wearing the same gear, that chose to keep me safe…that still keep me safe today.
Pick any gang or biker organization and they will tell you that when they originally started, it was because they wanted to protect their neighbourhood.
Stanley Williams and Raymond Washington, started the Crips organization because they wanted to protect their neighbourhood from crooked cops, from girls getting raped, and from boys who didn’t have a safe place to go.
The Bishop family started the Hells Angels organization in an effort to give American Veteran soldiers a safe place to go, to talk about all the things they saw during the times of war.
It was only in later years that both of these groups became something for people to fear, largely due to the fact that they started out as marginalized groups, who fought back against the idea of being who they were supposed to be, because being comfortable is not the same thing as being safe.
Does that mean that every Hells Angel member or every Crip member is a good person? pfft, No, but the same could be said about firemen, cops, politicians, and news anchors, each of us has things that we’re ashamed of, and we all have pasts, the difference between me and other local Surrey BC bloggers is that I actually admit that I am or at the very least was, associated with people that the rest of the world wishes didn’t exist.
My only response to people who want to judge me for my gang ties – past, present, and future because lord knows as much as I despise some of you assholes, I’m never getting rid of my family – is that if you didn’t want me to be connected to gangs, you probably shouldn’t have let rapists become cops.
I mean that was a choice. Investigating the men and women who claim they want to become cops before you give them a badge and a gun was a choice. They pretend to be shit they are never going to be all the time. At least The Loud mouth Brown Girl is honest about who I am. Who I want to be.
I was not the only kid that got raped in North Delta BC, and I chose a long time ago not to speak on that because it’s not my job to out other victims, but the more that I continue to be stalked and harassed, the more that I want to remind people, that it’s also not my job to stop people from stalking me.
Given a choice between working to save Surrey British Columbia with cops or bikers, I’m going to choose bikers every fucking time. At least the bikers reading this I mean. The ones who are looking at this page realizing I see you, I hear you, and I remember, and yeah I do fucking miss you. You know what I don’t miss?
I don’t miss being claimed by men who weren’t HA, I don’t miss being raped, and abused and having the Hells Angels used as a weapon against me, my safety, and the safety of those I care about. I don’t like hearing “well if you want to be in politics you better disassociate from those who are considered undesirable.” Why? Because then people in this community will trust me more if I lie about my past? I sort of feel like that’s not true.
There are a lot of crooked politicians out there who hide their associations, who hide who they know, and who use those secrets to do terrible things. I don’t know if I am ever going to be in politics, because right now I am WAY too focused on being a writer and making a name for myself as a writer. But what I do know is that if reading the last few posts on this site were hard for you, imagine how difficult it was for me to write.
The Loud Mouth Brown Girl is a brand, a foundation for a future in literature, in cosmetics, in whatever “I” decide this brand is going to become, but the one thing that the Loud Mouth Brown Girl will never be, again, is a liar.
I wrote those posts for a lot of reasons. I’m being stalked, and harassed and I am afraid. I don’t want to hide my past, and I want to make sure that before I die ALL my truths, and the truths of those I love the most are shared with the public. If that’s a problem for you, stop reading, but whether you continue to read or not, please never, ever, again ask me to be less of myself, to make you, more comfortable.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 