I have been thinking about Manifestation a lot, and so I thought I’d write about it to help me sort out my thoughts.
My name is Devon J Hall and I am the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, but what does that mean exactly? It means that I am now an internet show producer, a podcaster, a writer, and a human with a future in the entertainment industry, which isn’t something I’d planned when I originally started the website.
When I started the website, I just wanted to have a place where I could speak about what happened to me, but as I’ve sort of settled into knowing I’ll never really have justice, I’ve moved more into educating people about what it means to protect those who have mental health issues due to trauma, from abuse and childhood abuse.
It’s a different beast to talk about what it means to help those living with trauma, vs telling people how not to be a rapist. I sort of feel like that conversation has been spoken to death.
So, I focus on the healing side of the conversation, because that is what helps me heal, and as such it’s my job to find ways to help other people find happiness in spite of all of the trauma that they might be living with. Which isn’t easy when I don’t know all the stories from the audience that this website has, you know?
The thing is, I thought my story was pretty bad, and then I heard some of the stories that other people have had to witness or live with, and I’ve come to understand that my experience is traumatizing for me, and there are a lot worse things that I could have been through, but that doesn’t make my story any less important or valuable, simply because it’s not “as bad” as someone else’s story.
So this year I am manifesting Grace, and allowing myself to recognize the fact that when I should have been healing, I was working, so I didn’t have to think about all the things I was trying not to think about.
This year I’m going to remember that it’s not always about me, but that when it is about me, I have every right to stand up for myself and to spend time remembering that it’s okay for me to say “hey, stop, think about things this way please,” just like everyone else on earth.
I have the right to advocate for myself. I’ve been doing a good job, but I could be doing better, by being more clear about what it is that I need.
I am going to work harder at the working part and setting healthy boundaries like when I first started this website, and I am not going to let the pandemic excuse me slacking off, just because I can’t go out to places or visit my favorite haunts. That’s something that I’ve been struggling with because my sole focus has been on the website, I haven’t had time to really enjoy life in over two years, that needs to stop now.
I am going to be patient with myself as I join my Sister from another mother, Renita on her weight loss journey because I gained a lot, and I know it’s affecting my life in ways that I don’t want to admit but should, but I WILL say that I do love that my choice to lose weight has more to do with supporting my friend on her journey in Chicago, and nothing to do with having or wanting a person in my life.
I am proud of how far I have come, and the inspiring people like Melody and Kendra who have inspired me to keep going and who let me tell them that I need us all to focus on how we communicate with each other while understanding that my response comes from trauma, and I’m still healing.
It’s important to have people who support you, who have taken time to understand and comply with your needs on their terms as long as their terms mesh with yours. But more than that it’s important to be able to let people support you and at different times in our journey with trauma, sometimes we’re not able to let others support us because we just don’t know, or didn’t know, what we needed.
Now I do. I know I need to be smart and to protect myself, but I also need to learn it’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes too. Crossing those boundaries has always been a problem for me in the past, and will probably continue to be so in the future.
This year I am manifesting successes beyond my wildest dreams for myself, my sisters, and my sistas, in the world, who need a little majick in their life, just to remind them that life is worth living even though some days it sucks.
What are you going to be manifesting? Write it down and share it with the world, so that those who love you can send some love your way too.
Devon J Hall