This post contains conversations about domestic abuse, rape, and trauma. It may be triggering for some. Please use the link below if you or someone you know needs help. If you are in immediate danger if you can find a neighbor or dial 911.
Keep Going…You Can Do It
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
― Lily Tomlin
I struggle with reading about sex in books written by other authors, and unlike my much, much, younger self, I struggle with writing about sex. I used to write about all kinds of sex, mostly Dom-based, mostly incestuous disturbing stuff, that spoke to the abuse that I was experiencing in different areas of my life.
Growing up I grew out of writing about it and found myself avoiding the topic altogether. Sure I could have sex, but I wouldn’t discuss it, I wouldn’t have conversations with my partners, because that meant dissecting what I’d been through, seen, done, said, and heard, and I was -not- ready for those conversations.
In short, I wasn’t ready to be having sex, but no one explained that to me, and if they had, I wouldn’t have listened anyway.
Catholic, that should explain it all for you.
However, these days knowing that I am still not ready to add a partner to my sexual endeavors, I am more focused on learning what it is that I like and love about sex, and do you know what I love best? Calling out my own God blessed name.
Growing up I was told and brainwashed into believing, that orgasms for women were an automatic golden gateway key to Hell. Turns out that orgasms are really the body, the mind, and the soul, connecting as one united front, to discover all the great things of the universe, packaged into a beautiful session of “OH MY GOD, THAT’S ME THAT MADE THAT HAPPEN INSIDE MY BODY.”
A consensual session of sexual pleasure between two or more people can be absolutely wonderful, but masturbation, when done correctly, can be the most amazing experience of your life, and it only gets better as you get older and more in tune with your body’s needs, your minds desires, and your soul’s favorite pleasures.
Fingers or toys hardly matters, what matters is, are you connecting to yourself, and ignoring the voices in your head that are trying to distract you from a seriously spiritual moment in time, when you are taking time for yourself, by yourself?
I will say that using your toys too much can desensitize you, and make it more difficult if you choose to switch to fingers, but whatever you choose to do, here’s a ritual to help you get more comfortable with those comfortably sexual private moments:
- Favorite inspiration
Light your candles and incense with intention, your focus doesn’t have to be “I want to have an orgasm,” it can be as simple as “just because I fucking want to,” but whatever the intention, make sure that you light the candles with the same flame you light the incense or vice versa.
Take your shower, and add some music via your phone or radio that helps add to your sensual mood. If you’re doing this by yourself this is especially true, largely because honestly why should you deserve less romance than you’d give a partner? Yes, men, you can do this too.
When you’re in your shower, put on your own porn show, there are no cameras, there is no audience, there is just you and your showerhead, you and yourself, dancing, singing (carefully dancing,) to the music. Enjoying having the candles lit and the lights off.
There is something special about turning your bathroom into a spa for yourself, sometimes I even add Epsom salts to the shower floor, because my bath doesn’t work but my feet still need attention. Other times I’ll sit in the shower under the water, and I’ll let my silly side out.
Outcomes the Truth Sayer, other times it’s Karma reminding me that my time will come, sometimes it’s Hecate telling me that I’m being a pain in the ass, but always it’s a reminder that my naked and masturbation time is my turn, my chance, to connect with myself, without shame, fear or guilt.
I no longer fantasize about the violence that I used to find a turn on, because I know where it comes from now, in the past, masturbating to these things used to turn me on quite a bit, but in reality, I realize now it was my brain’s way of protecting me against the harm that the reality of that violence caused me.
Now that I know where it comes from, I can focus on fantasizing about myself. My big sexy breasts, my beautiful full lips, my smile, all of it turns me on, MY body turns me on.
MY mind, MY soul, instigates my desire for sexual pleasure, and my understanding of psychology holds me back from having a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that I need to deny myself pleasure or be afraid that that pleasure is going to destroy the lives around me.
This is where characters like Kim Catrell’s Samantha come in handy, because growing up without her would have been a very different reality for me. Samantha taught me that it was okay to like sex, that it was okay to like sex with yourself, and that every woman on the planet, should be in control over her own orgasms.
I am stronger now than I was before in my past, so while masturbation and sexual pleasure isn’t something I give to myself daily anymore, it’s something that I am still working through, as each day passes.
The idea that we’re supposed to hold back from pleasure until a partner – specifically read man – can provide that pleasure for us, comes from the age-old idea that only men can provide healthy orgasms and that only men can provide us with the pleasure that comes with sex. Read Patriarchy.
In 2021 for any universe to pretend that masturbation doesn’t exist, is beyond ridiculous. We need to stop pretending that not talking about things, is going to make them go away, that’s not how any of this works.
“I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor [Karen Berger]. She told me, “There’s no masturbation in the DC Universe.” To which my reaction was, “Well, that explains a lot about the DC Universe.”
― Neil Gaiman
In 2021, every young woman and man needs to know how to provide their own orgasms so that when it comes time to have a partner, they are ready and able to say “I like this, but I don’t like that,” honestly, without being ashamed to say no to the things they don’t like.
These rituals of giving ourselves romance, making ourselves dinner, having a sexy shower, lighting candles and incense, are entirely about taking our power back, claiming our bodies, minds, and souls, from a system designed to make us believe that we have no control in this world.
“I could be poor, broken, and completely homeless, but if I can handle giving myself an orgasm, I’m okay.” A woman I used to work with said that she was houseless, but she was happy. I am pretty sure I know why.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall