So okay yes, a lot of trauma, a lot of feelings about the trauma, and the trauma is like a fucking tunnel of darkness and frustration and abuse and sadness, anxiety, and depression. However, OUTSIDE that trauma tunnel is an entirely separate world where you also have to think about your body even though you want to focus on nothing more than your mental health.
In the world outside of MY trauma tunnel, are my body issues, and no I am not talking about my weight or my smoking, I don’t care about that stuff so much as I care about the fact that INSIDE my body things are happening that I can’t always see, but can definitely feel.
Such as the lump I found about two months ago (I think) in my left breast. I’ve been getting annoying pimples under my breasts for the last few years, and over the years I have asked my doctor about them, they’ve always said that there’s nothing wrong.
Well, when I found the lump, THIS time, a doctor finally said that I needed to get it checked, and so I got myself a mammogram.
The mammogram showed that there was indeed a lump and today I got my biopsy done, and you know what? It was a lot scarier than I thought it was going to be, MOSTLY because I did not know what to expect.
The worst part about it was the click, there was a sharp pain when they injected the freezing gel, and another sharp pain when they injected the needle to take the samples, but the absolute WORST part was the clicking, like a muted gunshot, it was shocking to my senses but it was absolutely over in under ten minutes.
I love my body, I love my curves and my scars, and I love knowing that THIS particular body has taken me through more adventures than I can count. THIS body has helped me live and survive some of the most absolute evil things the world has to offer, and although I smoke way too much, and I don’t get nearly enough exercise, although it may not LOOK like I care about this body, this body is my home.
I have spent years decorating it with tattoos that detail my experience, that has reminded me that I am beautiful, strong, powerful, and wise, on days when I don’t always feel that way I can look back to some of those tattoo appointments and smile not because they were like therapy, but because of the people who provided the artwork that tell my story on my skin.
When we’ve been abused in our own bodies sometimes we don’t want to touch ourselves in the important areas because we feel ashamed, it’s as if there is an invisible sign that says “this is on your body but it doesn’t belong to you.”
I have spent a lifetime feeling ashamed in my own skin because other people taught me that I SHOULD be ashamed of my own skin, but, for why? Why should I allow my body to deteriorate so that you can feel better in my presence?
Yeah I know I should be eating healthier, and working out more, but the very very LEAST that I can do is check my breasts for lumps and inconsistencies. The exam for checking your breasts is super simple and can be followed up by a doctor.
Here’s how it goes:
A female doctor will most likely do a full breast exam, whereas my male doctor merely asked me to point to where I felt the lump, and then did an exam in that area.
The mammogram screaming will take several photos of your breast in and around the area where the lump is, and then if it’s necessary you’ll go in for a biopsy, and it takes ten minutes. It’s a simple procedure that could legitimately save your life.
I know it seems uncomfortable, and I know it might feel scary, but it’s better to know now as soon as possible, than to not know, and have to deal with dire consequences later.
I promise you that the bandaid they give you is MUCH larger than the incision and there is absolutely nothing to worry about as long as you are doing what YOU need to do, to keep yourself healthy and strong.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 