Back in the 90s, people just raised their children differently. I don’t know about places outside the world that I live in, but in the world that I grew up in, there were parents who were genuinely cool people who cared about their kids, and the futures their children would have, and then there were the people who let their children get raped, or raped their own children, as a way to teach them who to become as adults.
The first thing that you have to understand is that being in a cult isn’t about spirituality, it’s not about finding a higher power to believe in, it’s about handing over power, so that you can hurt others, so that you don’t have to feel bad about your own pain. – Devon J Hall
When I was a kid, I pretty much knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do anything about boys and men keeping their hands to themselves until I was older, because no one believed me. It really, REALLY did not take long for me to start being called “the girl who cried rape.” And that’s because I was being raped, a lot, it started when I was in diapers, the molestation and escalated until I was gang-raped a few years ago.
Many people in my life even today, feel completely betrayed that I didn’t say anything, that I didn’t talk about what it was that I was going through, and what they don’t understand is that I literally couldn’t.
It’s not just that I didn’t have the words, it’s also that I was LITERALLY BRAINWASHED into forgetting it happened, so when I would get raped and abused, almost as soon as it was over, I would LITERALLY forget it happened.
When I was growing up I didn’t tell my mom – I remember once walking into the room of a man who was the nephew of my mom’s best friend. He had a corkboard where he and his friends had spent hours creating all the art that was on that board. I destroyed it, because the moment I saw the word “sex” I was incredibly triggered, I was about – I don’t know, before I was ten for sure, but I grabbed a marker and started crossing out all the words that triggered me and writing all over it, and yes I regret it, but more than that I look back to that little girl and I see the pain and the fear and the inability to say the words that would have set her free.
At that point I’d already been raped more than once, and I didn’t know how to say it out loud, I tried to tell my mom’s best friend (the aunt) and she told me to keep it a secret, because a secret is meant to not be shared. I tried to tell my teachers, and they just punished me and told me that I was crazy. I tried to tell doctors and they ignored me.
I told a neighbor once, and he told me to go away, I was reaching out for help wherever I could with the exception of telling my mom because I was afraid she’d be mad at ME, my step dad called rape “sex” and so I thought that meant that he blamed me, and as it turned out, he did.
Over the years I was introduced to other people, who were a part of a genuine cult, that morphed into ANOTHER cult, and it became quite famous, the leader is in prison now, but after his arrest and imprisonment, I found out that he was connected to the Dali Lama. So…I mean that tells you all you need to know right there.
Some of the boys who I knew as a teenager, were trained by him and others that raping and abusing girls was totally okay and in fact encouraged.
As we got older I thought that I was done, I thought I was done being the victim, I thought I was done being abused, but the men in my life had other ideas. They recreated the abuse, and the trauma, and they actually brought in men that I had known as boys in my childhood to rape me.
There were cops, lawyers, judges, bikers, gangsters, all there just to rape me, for whatever their reasons are, because “I” was born to be their victim, in their eyes. This is what we were taught as children, and as adults, even though I had decided I no longer wanted to be the victim, they still wanted to be the abusers.
All of these people have gotten away with what they did to me, because and only because, they are all connected together because they are a part of a cult that believes that women exist ONLY to provide pleasure to men as sexual beings. Whether or not we want to be their human sex toys is completely irrelevant.
For more than twenty-five years I kept the secret from my mom, my family, my friends, and then when I finally came out and told the truth, many of the people in my life had two ways of dealing with it:
- They claim that they “believe, I believed it happened,” so that they can hedge their bets in case I am crazy so that they don’t have to look like an idiot if I am wrong.
- They ignore it completely and tell me that I am crazy, because no one wants to believe that a single person can be raped as many times as I have been, without a single person being persecuted.
When we say “Believe Victims,” we are provided the opportunity to “prove” that we have been harmed by the people who abused us, and when we can’t prove it without a shadow of a doubt, they call us crazy, it’s systemic, and it’s a complete and total recipe.
Every single person who has ever come forward to talk about cult rape, or cult abuse, they tell us that we’re crazy, that we are the problem, they ask us why we didn’t speak up on one hand, while punishing us for speaking up on the second hand, and there is no “winning” in the world of abuse and trauma.
“One in four girls will experience sexual abuse by the time she is sixteen, and 48 percent of all rapes involve a young woman under the age of eighteen. It’s not surprising then, that in a society where sexual abuse of young women is rampant, many women never share their stories. They remain hidden and invisible.” ― Patti Feuereisen, Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse–A Book for Teen Girls, Young Women, and Everyone Who Cares
The shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, and fear that it could happen again and again and again, is not ours to carry, but we carry these emotions because they help remind us of what happened, and how we survived, so that we never “make the mistake,” of “letting” it happen again.
We convince ourselves that if we remain afraid, if we remain silent, if we just “behave” then it won’t happen again, that we’ll be safe as long as we keep our mouths shut, because if we DO speak out, then they have “the right,” to punish us by abusing us again.
The truth of it however is that rape, trauma, and abuse, are not punishments, they are crime. In some places in the world they are even hate crimes, what was done to me was absolutely a hate crime, and to date not a single abuser has faced legal punishment.
If this were Africa, or Istanbul, if it were Pakistan or Egypt, I would be all over the news, the world would be paying attention to me as they point fingers at leaders in those countries and talk about how awful it is that girls in 2021 can have experienced as much as I have.
Because I was born and raised in Canada however, the world likes to pretend that cult’s do not exist, that cult rape is not possible, and that those who report cult rape are psychotic, because literally no male doctor in Canada wants to admit that it happens. It’s just easier not to.
It’s a lot more paperwork to unravel the bullshit that happened to people like me, then it is to ignore it and push it under the rug as if it didn’t happen, but unfortunately for this world I am not going to stop talking about what happened to me.
Some of the excuses that I’ve heard over the years are:
- She’s a Goddess and I wanted to be with her
- She’s a whore and she deserved what she got
- She’s a woman and they are less important than men
- She is a She who is Brown
- She’s Gay and I want to prove to her that “gay doesn’t exist,”
These reasons all sound ridiculous and out of the world to those of us who use common sense and have a brain, know that all of these reasons are literally nothing more than excuses to get away with bad behavior, in order to excuse the fact that they made choices that negatively affected me and other women in our circle.
For years though, I spent time thinking that it was MY fault, that I had done something wrong, that I had “Chosen” to be born Brown, and there for because of that choice, my wants, needs, desires, and safety were less important than those around me who were white or who “behaved” in an acceptable way.
What happened to me, what happens to millions of children every single day, every moment, every hour of the day around the world is not okay, it’s not appropriate, there is no excuse that makes what these men did to me, and to others was okay.
There is nothing, no justification that makes the sentence “I raped her because….” something that is going to make up for the feelings that I am left with after having taken stock of my life.
There are men in this world who raped me, abused me, tortured me, branded me as “Their property” who look at this website and smile in pride because they think that raping me is the reason that I am The Loud Mouth Brown Girl.
There are men in this world who look at this website as if it is an extension of who THEY tried to turn me into and the truth of it is that this website is my form of rebellion. It’s my way of telling them that not only what they did to me was wrong, it was disgusting, shameful, disgraceful, and it goes against everything that I know the Gods, and Goddesses from the Above and all the around, would want their descendants to become.
I Am Who I Am, Because This Is The Person That “I” Wanted To Be -Devon J Hall #StrongEnough
I am who I am because THIS is the person that “I” want to be, and yes all these terrible things have happened to me and have given me a sense of confusion about the world, because I don’t think this is how it is supposed to be. Abuse made me small and silent, abuse made me block myself off from the world, but speaking out about what happened to me is what set me free, which is ironic because I’ve spent my whole life waiting for a man to save me.
Even some of the men who “showed up to save me,” turned out to be abusive in their own right, and I used to think that this is how it’s supposed to be, because THAT is what I was TRAINED to believe, but the truth of it is that what I was taught was a complete and total lie.
I hear sirens at night as I am writing this, and I sit here and I wish that those sirens meant that the men that were abusive to me were going to jail, and every night that goes by that they don’t end up in prison or in a fucking mental hospital for the shit they put me through, the more that I start to think that I am on exactly the right path.
I should continue to speak out, and I refuse to believe that speaking out means they somehow won something. “I raped a woman because…..Insert stupid ass psychotic lunatic bullshit dumbass reason here,” is not the flex y’all think it is.
Raping a woman instead of showing her that you can be kind, loving, supportive, generous and kind, is a weak mans game.
Going against what you’ve been taught, choosing for yourself, deciding for yourself that you want to be the hero instead of the loser shithead who spits and pisses on women, is the flex that you’re looking for and if you can’t see that then I feel sorry for you, but I will have no problem kicking your dumbass down a cliff and throwing you into a jail cell before burning the key into a pile of ash.
What they did to me, what they did to sooo many girls and boys is wrong, but it’s not enough to say that it’s wrong.
I said at the beginning of this post that being a part of a cult is not about spirituality, it’s about handing over your power so that you don’t have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
The men that raped me, were boys when it started, but at a certain point they chose NOT to recognize their ability to choose for themselves. As I was pulling away they were using abuse and trauma to keep me reigned in, to keep me under their thumb, to keep me afraid.
I remember the last time I was gang raped I told the men who raped me to wear blue and white as a symbol of trust and faith, and I remember driving by the strip club in a cab one night seeing them wearing white tracksuits with blue stripes on them, I laughed that night like I hadn’t laughed in my entire life.
I laughed because I didn’t think it would work, I used reverse psychology, I promised them I wouldn’t tell, I did whatever and said whatever I had to say, in order to survive that night, and when it was over I laughed and I danced, because no matter what they do now I am free. It won’t matter to me if they kill me, it won’t matter if they rape me again, because no matter what THEY do, whatever THEY CHOOSE to do, will prove that EVERYTHING that I said was true.
All I have to focus on right now is living my life and doing the best that I can, but it didn’t have to be this way. They could have chosen differently, they could have done different any of the hundreds of people I’d met in my lifetime who KNEW what was happening could have stepped up and said something, but they CHOSE not to, because it was easier.
I can’t do anything about their choices, I can’t change what they did, all I can do is take the pile of ash that I Have left and build something with it, and this is what I am building. Loud Mouth Brown Girl exists because “I” Want it to exist and for 0 other reason.
Cults will destroy everything about you, and slowly but surely they steal what you could have been, they steal what you might have been, and destroy all the layers of everything you are, in order to train you into being something OTHER than what you want to be.
There are people in this world whose SOLE job on this planet is to help people get out of cult life, whose ONLY passion in life is freeing people from the chains that bind them to the darkness that is cult life, and without these kinds of people I would literally still be dead in the deepest part of my soul.
It’s going to take the rest of my life to come to terms with what was done TO me, because of the men in my life who were TAUGHT that they can do whatever they want to whoever they want, because they have a white penis and I do not.
And all of the mental health issues that I suffer from, could have been avoided if only someone had stepped in to intervene before it was too late. Since they chose not to, I am now the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, and I am officially making it my mission to keep talking about what they did, so that when the truth DOES fully come out and their masks ARE removed and their true faces ARE revealed I can sit in the front and center of that court room and watch as everything they thought was true comes to an end.
When a religion or a religious leader, when a “leader” tries to convince you that hurting other people is okay because of the color of your race, creed, nationality, size, orientation, or any other reason, and you CHOOSE to believe them, you are CHOOSING to sell your soul so that you can get away with hurting others in order to make yourself feel better.
You are not a hero because you raped a woman, you’re a broken human, and you need to be taken away from the world and left to think about the damage that you have caused. Sure people deserve a second chance, but if you take that second chance and waste it, then you deserve what you get.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. YOU DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE A VICTIM, YOU DID CHOOSE TO SURVIVE THAT ABUSE, AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE STRONGER AND BETTER THAN YOUR ABUSERS BECAUSE BABY YOU ARE A GODDESS. SO BE THE GODDESS THAT THEY TRIED TO DESTROY.
Sending All My Love,
Devon J Hall