I’ve been talking about what “I” want for a lot of years on this website, but I am curious do you know what you want?
For four years now, especially the last year I have been pushing myself to create more and more content, to find avenues to express myself that provide my audience with free content while making me feel like I have earned the right to say that this is my job.
Here’s the thing though, I haven’t -really- taken a break in years, I can’t remember the last time I went for a walk and just chilled in the park for my own damned amusement, and a lot of that has to do with the pandemic, but as we’re now fully aware….we’re mostly opened up around the world now, and I can sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor, right?
Except here’s the thing, I haven’t made my first million yet, I haven’t sold a story yet, I haven’t done anything that shows people that the rest of the world agrees with my personal belief that I am an unappreciated talent.
But I also don’t care?
A few years ago I got my hands on a copy of True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet, and whatever you might think I really love this film. There is a scene where Valerie Bertinelli asks Jojo’s character what she wants.
“What do YOU want?” and honestly I can’t remember the last time someone looked into my eyes and asked me that question. Sure they’ve asked OTHER people what I want, but no one has ever asked ME what I want, and that’s a powerful kick to the ass.
“I” want to be a successful mental health blogger and fiction writer. “I” want to travel the world and see all the things, and I want to inspire others. “I” want to build a foundation devoted to helping single mothers, and single fathers, and I want to build a place where people feel like they can get the help they need to flourish after a lifetime of darkness.
That’s what “I” want, but what do YOU want? And how if you’ve never been asked, the hell, do you even go about figuring that out?
I am writing this post at 11:48 PM on July 19th 2021, for tomorrow, because I specifically want to sleep in tomorrow. It’s summer time God damnit, and I want to just curl up in bed and sleep without feeling guilty that I’m not jumping out of bed in order to help my mom get out the door, or racing to write a new post.
Almost every day I wake up, one of the first things I do is play my Facebook games, and then I feel guilty because those first few minutes I spend playing games right after I’ve just woken up, “should” be spent working right?
If I had an office to go to, there’d be at least two or three hours between waking up and getting to the office, but because I work from home, I constantly feel like I have to be “on” even when there’s no one here to see me, I feel like I am being watched all the time.
“What’s she doing?” “Is she earning her place in this world?” That’s a lot of pressure for someone who deals with severe mental health issues, and I don’t have a partner, or kids, and thank the God’s that I don’t, because I would not be handling it well right now.
Because of the stigma of mental health I never feel like I am allowed to take a break, which brings me to why I am writing this post so late at night, I want to sleep in, I want to take a break, I want to get up in the morning and just take the time to take a shower, and to feel the luxurious warmth of having time to not have to stress about making sure you have free content to read.
And that’s what “I” want, and you know what? I am tired of making excuses for my desire to take a break. “Well I’ve done this much work this week, so that I can take a break next week,” Can I afford it? Absolutely not.
I’m broke. I have an over draft of almost fifty dollars in my bank account, I am completely and totally spent on cash, HOWEVER, I’d rather be broke and happy than wealthy and fucking miserable. I’ve seen first hand what fame and fortune can do to people and I never want to be that way, and so the only way to ensure that I never become that which I loath the most, is to make sure that I do the work that I need to do to keep my expectations high, and my realities honest.
If you don’t know how to figure out what you DO want, and what you ARE willing to live with and accept, start with what you don’t want and work out from there. Create a vision board, draw a “don’t want tree”, whatever it is you do, fill it with all the reminders you need that tell you that you deserve to be happy, without excuses, guilt or shame.
Sending all my love from my nice warm comfy quiet MAN FREE BED,
Devon J Hall