For hundreds of thousands of years human beings have been exploring the invisible but very tangible world of energy work.
Years ago, a former friend and teacher – and I do mean F.O.R.M.E.R. – taught me about “capturing energy between my hands.” To do this you’ll need another person to help you but try this for an experiment.
- Put your hands together and start to rub them until your palms start to feel warm
- Now hold your hands together as tightly as you can, and close your eyes.
- Feel the energy between your palms as you pull your hands slowly apart.
- Feel the warmth of it, or the coolness, try to picture – not imagine, but try to actually SEE the color of the energy between your hands.
- Now play with it, test it, taste it if you want to, feel the way it swirls around your finger tips and electrifies your nail beds.
This is actual tangible energy between your hands that has always been around you, it’s in every breath you take and every fiber of your being.
There are foundations around the world who dedicate their entire lives to studying and trying to understand the energy around our systems, our bodies, our community, our society, and the energy flow that we surround ourselves with has a huge effect on our mentality and emotional state.
When we are traumatized deeply and to our core, the energy around us, inside of our beings, and it can if we allow it, completely destroy our lives.
When I first decided to start this website, y’all know that I started to dance, which is not something that I ever, ever, used to do before. It was a new thing and it actually scared my mom because she thought I was losing my mind, and the reason for that was because I genuinely was losing my mind.
The energy around me, that I had been collecting and holding onto for most of my entire life, was filled with toxicity, it was filled with trauma, with the memories of abuse, and I needed to exorcise that energy out of my body, so that I could start to heal and move on.
Emotions present themselves in a variety of way throughout my life, from yelling and screaming some days, to being absolutely silent on other days, and some days people wonder if I am really “me”. The truth is that I am always me, but sometimes I can feel the energy around me so intensely that I can’t function the way that other people think I should be able to.
This is because (ugh) I am empathic, and while I won’t say that I am “A Empath,” what I will say is that I feel everyone’s junk a lot more deeply than sometimes they do. Sometimes I cry tears that aren’t mine, and other times I yell because I just don’t want to deal with the energy that I’ve collected, finding a balance between the energy that is naturally mine, and the energy that I’ve collected from others is very difficult.
Now I want you to think about the energy you collected in your hand, the energy that you can feel, and touch – have someone else maybe put their hand in between yours after following the top five steps, ask them what if anything, they feel.
If you’ve done it correctly, they will be able to feel some sort of “heat” like source, or maybe it’s cool, but if done right they will feel SOMETHING, even if they cannot explain it.
Now imagine that your entire body is like a dust pan, as you walk by people you are constantly picking up their energy, but rather than pushing it away or getting rid of it, you’re just holding onto it. And on, and on, and on, and on, and on, the more that you pick up the less like yourself you feel.
Maybe you’re tired all the time, or hungry, maybe you want to run all the time to burn it off, or maybe you just want to curl up and cry and let it pour out of you, but whatever it is you do, there is a fairly decent chance that the energy you are carrying isn’t yours.
I remember sitting on a train one day on my way home from Vancouver, two years ago. I had had a good day, walking through the city, talking to myself about the stories that I want to tell, and the fantasies that I had made up to help me deal with what was and had happened to me.
All of a sudden it was like a ghost went through me. It was the most intense feeling, like someone had just taken a chainsaw to my soul, suddenly I was fucking PETRIFIED. Like I would have been less scared if there had been a man with a gun pointing it at my face, I was absolutely more afraid than I’d ever been in my life, and suddenly the words “I was raped,” popped into my head.
I looked around to see a train filled with women and men, everyone in their own little worlds, terrified that someone had noticed the sudden look of terror on my face, I didn’t know where it came from, and I didn’t know who to talk to about it, or what to do with it, so I didn’t do anything, I just sat there in my terror.
When I got home I sat down on my balcony and I started smoking a joint, five days later I started Loud Mouth Brown Girl Dot Com. That was the moment that I realized that I had to do something with all of this negativity that I’d been holding onto.
Over the last four years the secrets have come out, the energy has been released, and yet it’s still not enough. Everyone who needs or wants to know what happened to me knows they all know the whole God damned ugly truth, whether or not they care however is a different story.
Many of them don’t and many of those who do, know there’s not much they can do about what happened to me. There are laws that are far more protective of abusers, than they are of victims, and statues of limitations have long since past on some of the things that were done to me.
Knowing this leaves me feeling powerless, empty and sad. I shared my story the best way that I could, I did my part, why didn’t the Universe step up and defend me? Why didn’t people from around the world who heard my story step up and make my story matter? Because that’s my job.
It’s my job, to be the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, but I want to make it be more than that. I want it to mean something, I want the energy that I put into this website to matter to the next girl who comes after me, whose been abused and lost and alone, to know that I’m right there with them.
But the only way that I can do that, that I can make this more than just another mental health website, is if I learn to control the energy that I process, the energy that I release, and the energy that I collect, but I don’t know how to do that without cutting people out of my life.
Isolation makes it really easy for me to just avoid collecting other peoples toxicity, it makes it easier to avoid having to deal with their emotions, their feelings, their lies, manipulations, abuses, and traumas.
But there is a part of me that says “you owe it to the next Brown girl…” To what? To be the continual sacrifice so that I am forever the girl that got hurt while I watch others survive AND thrive?
No one on this earth, no one that ever was, or will be, deserves to be sacrificed so that other people can have a better life, and knowing that has given me a sense of power again, in a world that tells me constantly, that I don’t deserve to have power.
It is absolutely true that people need other people to survive, no one can survive on this planet completely alone, and still say “oh yeah sure I’m totally happy.”
Yeah I’ve had laughter and even joy in my isolation, but at lot of these last few years, has been about discovering that even I am not fully aware of how much power that I have control over.
When bad shit happens people keep asking us, “what is the lesson here?” Well folks, the lesson is that there are a lot of really terrible fucking people on this planet. A lot of people who will see your power before you’re even aware that you have the right to access it, and they will try to destroy you for no other reason than they want to see if they can.
Because I spent years taking in the toxicity without doing anything about it, no drawing, dancing, singing, or doing anything positive, it’s taking me longer to heal than I thought it would. Added to the stress is my economic status, and the fact that I feel like a failure because I haven’t made it to the place that I think I want to end up being in.
There are things that I understand about the universe that I could never put into words, ways that I see the planet that other people are just learning to discover, and that makes me even more lonely because I have no one to really compare notes with.
When I want to say “did you see that?” or “Did you feel that?” I often don’t because in the past when I have tried to sit down and compare notes with people, they didn’t understand what I was trying to say, and I didn’t know how to make it any more clear for them, so I had to learn to show people in my own way.
The energy that you collected between your hands belongs to the universe, and it’s woven it’s way through every single molecule that has ever, will ever, might ever, exist. It’s a part of the universe in the way that God is, whether you believe in God or not, there was always going to be the very first and oldest life form in this dimension, and in other dimensions there is something even more old and ancient than what was first born here.
And long after we’re gone, there will be a collective sigh as whatever is left of our consciousness’ realizes that we haven’t even begun to tap into our collective abilities and powers.
Human beings – average human beings – usually only use about 10% of the total abilities of their brain. We walk, talk, eat, sleep, etc. But what could we do if we used more? What could we do if we used 15%? Or 30%? or 70%?
That’s the question that scientists have been asking for millions of years, and the reason that we don’t really have an answer is because not many people have had the courage to try to use that much of their brains.
Jesus did, and Buddha, and the Ancient ones – Gods, Goddesses, Angels – they all understood the energy of the earth and the effects the energy of the universe has on the body.
Throughout time we have forgotten – literally – that energy has an effect on our mental health, when we learn to navigate the energy the way we would a speeding car if we have to, or a cat in our path, then we can learn to heal the trauma that comes with being on this planet.
I haven’t gotten there yet where I can say that I am “healed”, and I keep asking myself what that means, and whenever I do I think of the show Queen of the South.
In the show you see Teresa Mendoza as she works here way up from the actual bottom of the cartel to the top, and just when she finally “makes it”, she is shot and killed.
I honestly am terrified that that is what the universe has in store for me – because in my life other shoe ALWAYS drops when I am happy, which just adds to the negative and toxic energy that my body, mind, and soul, have collected over time.
So what do you do about that Devon? You dance, you sing, you yell, masturbate, go for a walk, do yoga, do whatever you can to release that energy in a positive way so that you’re no longer holding onto it.
And some days you might not be capable of preforming an exorcism on yourself – because that’s absolutely what it is – but on the days that you can, soak up every second of the sunlight, because you’re storing energy now. Now that you know it exists, you can learn to work with it, and if you’re “lucky” you might hear your own Krisya Ohana out there whispering that you can do this.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall