For a long time in my blogging “career”, I wasn’t really blogging in a way that got a lot of attention on what I was saying. I wasn’t doing events, I wasn’t promoting my blog, I was only blogging, because I needed to get the junk inside my head, out of my head.
Blogging allowed me to make space for what I was thinking and how I was feeling. It gave me an outlet when I didn’t have anywhere else real to turn.
Things are different now however, now I am a “Professional Blogger,” and that’s an entirely different game. No I haven’t made much money, but that’s not the point for me of doing this blog. Yes LMBG is still an outlet, and yes it’s still about making space in my head, but it’s also about creating a portfolio of the work that I am doing to help myself, and other people.
When I don’t post for a few days I feel guilty, because so many of you come to this site looking for help, answers, or confirmation of what you already know to be true. I want to be there for you, but sometimes I don’t have the emotional capacity to put my own stuff aside so that I can help others.
People forget that even though I have a “brand”, I am still a human who is healing. I am still in the center of the storm, or maybe just off to the left or right. I am still in the process of processing, and while some people would prefer that I put my processing aside to make space for them to see other sides of me, I can’t do that yet.
There are more than thirty-years worth of memories that are filled with trauma for me to go through, dissect, and understand. That’s going to take time, and for those that do understand that, I really appreciate you.
Y’all don’t read the website if there isn’t new content, but when there is new content y’all come out in droves, and that tells me that there are real people behind the wires and the plastic and metal boxes who are listening to me, who are more importantly, hearing me, when I speak.
For the first time in my life I am giving myself credit for the work that I am doing. I am pointing to what I create and I am saying “I did that,” and that feels really good. It feels really good to know that people are responding to me positively.
Regardless of race, creed, nationality, orientation, size, color, there are people who are looking to me and offering me insight, education, love, and support, and that tells me that I am on the right path.
I am no longer participating in conversations that tear me down. I am putting up very strong, very firm boundaries about what I am willing to do, and willing to accept.
It’s a really scary time for me, because recently I went through something and my first inclination was to reach to my left, pull out a 2’6 of Vodka and start drinking. I very rarely drink because of my emotions, but the moment that I picked up that bottle, I knew that I needed to step away from the thing that had given me so much support in the past few months.
It wasn’t a tough decision, because I realized that if I’m drinking because I am too overly emotional, then I need to step away. I can’t use drugs and alcohol as an excuse to hide from my emotions. So I let myself get drunk, once, I let myself cry it out, I let myself talk out loud about how I was feeling, and then I stepped away from the thing that I love, because I knew and I know, that is the healthier choice.
Making healthy choices is difficult for me, but the fact that you are still reading, still watching, still participating in what happens here at LMBG means the world to me and I Just want you all to know how much of my healing journey YOU are.
It’s not easy to be someone’s support system when they are emotionally incapable of being their own support system. It’s not easy to be the person that gets yelled at, and emotionally abused because someone is having a bad day, and I want you to know (mom) it doesn’t go unnoticed.
The fact that you’re still here, that you’re still putting up with my shit, that you’re still pushing past my darkness so you can find my lightness, I am trying really hard…not just to push forward in my healing journey, but to do so in the healthiest way possible.
I need time, and patience, and you my readers, friends, followers, and allies, supporters, and loved ones are giving that to me, and I really appreciate you.
So thank you for reading, thank you for being here, and thank you for showing me that I matter to you simply because I am sharing my pain with you. Thank you for carrying some of the emotional load so I don’t have to carry it all.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 