I have officially written at least two books worth of content, by providing posts for this website, which tells me that I absolutely can finish a second book. I am so excited about this post, because honestly and truly, I have never had a blog where I reached five hundred blog posts before.
I have never worked as hard at anything as I have at building and promoting this website, and there is nothing in my life that has pushed me, challenged me, inspired me, and created a sense of safety, like this website has, in my entire life.
I have been thinking about what I wanted to say for this post for a really long time, because I want this post to matter, to you as much as it matters to me. I want it to inspire you, challenge you, and encourage you to believe that your dreams are absolutely possible.
It’s hard, when we deal with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and isolation, to believe that we’re going to be able to climb out of the shadows and create for ourselves a sense of security, especially after we’ve been traumatized by people, places, or things.
This week my anxiety has really been tested in a very interesting way. Last week I got a notice saying that construction workers were going to be coming to work on the front of the building, which meant that I’d have to clean off my deck. That’s fine, but the anticipation of having the outside of my home invaded by men sent me through the rails. I was stuck in this phase of misery for the entire week, and then DMX died and suddenly I was grieving my favorite rapper, as well as dealing with PTSD and trauma symptoms all at once.
It was incredibly rough. This week I’ve taken most of the noise, the men popping into my window, and crap falling from the roof in stride, I’ve been remarkably calm, and I think that’s because I’ve learned that even though my body, mind, and soul, shut down at the apprehension of stress, I always find a way to get through it.
Things are never as bad as I make them seem these days, and I am starting to get comfortable with that, and yet at the same time, I am also afraid of acknowledging that. Because then my brain starts to ask my heart what happens if things do get bad again?
I’ve also discovered that I am ridiculously indecisive, it takes me forever to make a decision on anything, because I am always afraid that whatever I decide will end up causing me more pain than the original decision is worth. Largely because yes say it with me, I’ve been traumatized to the point of absolute insanity.
Today a group that I work with was talking about patient care in the cannabis industry, and I remarked on the fact that as soon as I told a psychiatrist that I use and work with cannabis, they shut down and suddenly decided they didn’t want to work with me.
Talking about my experience is helpful to others so that they know they aren’t alone, but for me it’s incredibly triggering, and those triggers are exhausting.
I find that when I am triggered I have two moods, I either get super loud and obnoxious, or I get super quiet and I emotionally shut down.
Last night I told my Krisya Ohana, (spiritual family,) that I was done. I don’t feel like the connections that I have with some people are the best for my mental health, and so I am cutting them out. I am done pretending that I am okay, because I am not.
I can’t afford groceries, I can’t afford to pay my bills, I can’t help support my mom nearly as much as she supports me, and that’s been a huge blow to my confidence. I have always been the kind of person who wanted to be taken care of, but in the last few years I have discovered that I really want to learn to take care of myself, and I am in that place where I am starting at the bottom, and it’s incredibly frustrating.
More and more I am starting to understand that Tobi Maguire film Spiderman: whichever one he was in when he was living in his own apartment trying to make rent and not really being able to keep everyone around him happy.
I get that. I am here now, and I know that this place won’t keep me forever, but in the interim it’s very stressful, because I want to make my mom proud of me, I want my friends and family to be proud of me, but I feel like I am so emotionally exhausted that I don’t have the energy to do what I need to do, to push myself forward.
I am creating content as often as I can, and birthing new ideas and philosophies out of my system almost daily, and not being paid for my work is…again, taking a huge toll on me.
I am trying to keep my spirits up, but it’s not easy, I will say that the only time that I feel totally whole is when I am creating, or writing. Someone said recently that all I do is talk about myself, and that’s absolutely true.
I do spend a great deal of time talking about myself and my problems, and that’s because for years I didn’t say anything. I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to get in the way, I didn’t want to offend anyone, or challenge anyone. I just wanted to keep my head down and fit in, and I was utterly miserable.
I’m choosing now to say “this is how I feel, and here is why,” because it’s making me feel better to talk about my experiences instead of being a good little soldier and keeping quiet. I have come to realize that being strong doesn’t mean not talking about what’s going on with you, it means talking about what is happening with you and making a continual choice to keep moving forward, even on days when it feels like you’re sitting still.
I know that the isolation is really starting to kick in, because even before the pandemic I spent the majority of two years being on my own, hanging out with my own company, and floundering my way through building this website.
Part of me wants to scream “it’s time, I need people,” and part of me has registered the fact that the universe doesn’t care that I need people, because we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and I have to keep going even though I don’t really have too many close friends or family members encouraging me.
Still I continue because I am doing what I want to do, even if it isn’t yet paying the bills. I have hope that it will one day.
Five hundred posts is quite an accomplishment, because it means that I have five hundred thousand or so word posts, that detail my experience on this earth. That’s more than enough content for a book, and I am excited about going through some of my old posts to see how far I have come.
It took me four years to get here, and I have officially come too far to turn back now, so no matter what anyone says I am going to continue being proud of being the Loud Mouth Brown Girl. I hope you are as proud of me, because I wouldn’t be here without those of you who read these posts.
There are some people in the world who have read every single post on this website, even if they don’t comment on all of them. Thank you for that. Thank you for setting aside time to listen to what I have to say. If you’ve ever reached out to me, if you’ve ever shared your story with me, or encouraged me along my journey thank you.
I can honestly say that this website is a big part of the reason that I am still alive, and if if it weren’t for the thousands of you who read this website, I wouldn’t be here, so thank you. Thank you for showing me in a million different ways that I deserve to be here, that I am not fighting for no reason. You are my reason.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall