So awhile ago an account on twitter started circulating the idea that on tonight’s date, the real super powers of Black people will somehow manifest due to the alignments of the planets. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I know that I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want for twenty-twenty and as I am keeping a record of my journey, it seems important to put those thoughts into words.
For 2021, I would very much like to work towards saving enough money to go to business school. I have always wanted to own my own company, but the thing is that I don’t just want to own my own business, I want to do a good job at owning my own business.
I want to make sure that whatever I do with my future, I do it right, so I would again I say, like to go to business school in twenty-twenty-one, or twenty-twenty-two. I would also like to start a brand new clothing company in 2021, with a name that ignites passion and love.
I want to keep writing, and I would like to finish putting together my first fiction blog, so that I can move on to the next one, I’d like to answer all the questions in my head about the story that I am working on, and I want it to be something that I can be genuinely proud of.
I also want to cut ties with the people from my past. I know how that sounds, I know it sounds selfish and horrible to say goodbye to people who were once apart of my life, but the thing is, that those people didn’t treat me very good, and I didn’t treat them very good. I would very much like to fill my life with people who understand, accept, and appreciate me as I grow and evolve into these new versions of myself.
I don’t want to be surrounded by people and energy that will tear me down any longer, I don’t deserve to be. I deserve to have kindness and love, and I am tired of denying myself these things out of shame, guilt, and fear. I can’t change the fact that I am who I am, I can’t change the things that happened to me, and I can’t change that grown ass men tried to intimidate me into being less than who I am to please their idea of who they thought I should be.
I am tired of listening to the voices around me telling me that I can’t do something or that I am going to be a failure, my name is out there, it’s on the record that I wrote a book that I accomplished all of my goals for 2020. It’s on the spiritual guide’s radar that I did what I intended to do by using this year to raise funds for charity and I am proud of the meager gifts that I am able to give away this Christmas.
When you grow up being told that you don’t fit in – for whatever reason – you grow up believing that you’re supposed to want to fit in. But I never did, I have always wanted to do things my way, and it took me a really long time to remember that, it took me a really long time to realize that I am never going to be the person that my rapists made me out to be.
To all the people who spent last year calling me a liar, doubting me, or choosing to believe the worst in me, I wish you the absolute best, but I honestly hope I never have to see you again, because I have nothing nice to say.
To all the people who told me that my person isn’t my person, who went out of their way to push me to be with someone(S) I am not and was not ready to be with, I don’t want to see you either. I just want to move the hell on.
I am done with the old, with all of it, I wanted abundance this year but I didn’t realize that I didn’t finetune that wish enough. I want an abundance of success, inspiration, community support, and genuine love from those around me, and I want to be able to provide those things as well as receive them.
So that means that this year has been a success, because I am exactly the person that I thought I would be at the end of the year.
Whether you like it or not, I am the person that I was meant to be at this exact moment in time, and I really like this person. She’s strong, she’s powerful, she’s smart, she’s inspired and she is absolutely courageous, and I think she deserves applause for how far she’s come this year, not ridicule for unspoken dreams.
Sending all my love to the dreamers,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 