I know that as a “Professional Content Creator” or whatever, I should be updating my blog every single day, but I just don’t have the energy for that, and so sometimes I need to take a break.
I’ve been focusing on my fiction blog recently actually, I completely tore it down, and rebuilt it from the ground up, adding some things back and tweaking some others. I had questions during the fictional writing process, and so I needed to answer those questions before I could continue writing about the world I was building.
It’s been fun watching these characters evolve, but it’s even more fun starting the story off earlier than I had originally, because it allows me the space to ignore covid, and just write a good story about a group of people who think they have all the power in the world. When in reality they are actually slaves to thousands of years of tradition, that have allowed them to become victims behind the shadows.
I’ve also been grieving a lot for the girls of my past – I mean the past versions of myself that have suffered and been abused so utterly and completely terribly by abuse. I think that’s why it was important for me to tell the story from the beginning instead of starting at the end, it was a good idea at first, but really there were just too many questions that needed to be answered.
Going through the process of acknowledging that I have to actually talk about abuse through this story was and is incredibly triggering.
However, it’s the same story that I’ve been wanting to tell since I was a child, so now that I’ve corrected the course of the storyline, I feel a lot more confident about what I am putting into the world. Theres a part of me that says I should just write the book and leave the background history for the book itself, but this is just so much more fun. I like creating and building worlds, but I needed a way to organize all the thoughts in my head.
WordPress is the only platform that allows me to create the way that I need to, in order to get the story out of my head, it allows me to organize everything so that it makes sense, and so that’s why y’all get to read the story as it’s created. I know that it’s risky, but my hope is that these writing exercises make me a better writer, and allow me to create more and more stories that eventually I hope to get paid for.
I also just finished, as I was writing this, a conversation that I recorded for my podcast, with Necole Hines from Faded Living, and it was so fun getting to know this beautifully kind hearted woman, we talked a lot about spiritual awakenings, and opening up to the universe around our individual selves, and I really enjoyed it.
Which I can’t say is the same feeling I have had for most of this week, mostly I’ve been feeling off and out of sorts, and that usually happens when I am forcing myself to write every single day without actually taking out time to enjoy the process.
It also happens after group therapy, which I was supposed to have yesterday, I did about half of it, and then I had to go because I needed to lay down and sleep because of lack of sleep the night before. What I learned is that I really need to fix my damn bed, but also that when I don’t sleep well, everything gets thrown off the next day.
I’ve always had issues with sleeping, and that’s because at night time, I often feel completely terrified of what might come, which really frustrates me because I am used to going for walks at night, and feeling safe outside in the world, that feeling of safety was obliterated when I woke up to all the memories of my childhood. So many terrible awful things happened to me at night, in my own bedroom, that even now in this room that is far removed from the one where the bad things happened, going into my room, climbing into my bed, is a trigger for me.
It’s little stuff like this, that isn’t really so little, that is ironically helping me in a backwards way because it’s letting me know that I have to absolutely work on these issues. I am keeping a record in my head of all the issues that I have to work on, but I can’t help but acknowledge that these issues come from a place of pain and hurt.
I think a lot about the girl that I used to be, I see her (them) as different people who used to use this body, I feel so far removed from who I used to be. That’s both a good and a bad thing. People talk a lot about “getting back to themselves” and “finding themselves” but I don’t think they explain it very well.
I am who I was always meant to be, and twenty years from now I am going to be someone completely different from who I am today. Pieces of the old will always remain, but I am not the person the people from my past remember, and I never want to go back to those versions of myself. They weren’t very honest, and they certainly weren’t very happy.
Even when I am sad or down, I am still happier now then I was in my past. It’s all about the process, and the progress, one day at a time and all of that.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall