When you start feeling good, everything about you changes. I want to talk about changes, and how important it is to accept that while everyone may not understand the change you are going through, it’s important to remember that they don’t have to.
I had a conversation with someone today who is in recovery (not necessarily drug and alcohol recovery btw) like myself. This person said that there are people in their life who don’t like that they smoke weed. Yet, during the process of judging this person for smoking weed, they are choosing to ignore all the positive changes this person is making in their lives.
My first question is who the fuck do you people think you are? My second question is why do you think that I care what you think about my life choices?
This goes beyond just smoking weed, it’s about power. It’s about forcing people to live life the way that you would, so that you can have a sense of superiority over them, and that’s just fucking gross.
I will never forget – and I have spoken to this truth before – the men who called me evil for saying that I believe that the God exists alongside the Goddess. For saying that I don’t believe in God the way they do. The number of times I was told I was going to hell, or that I was evil, or that I was wrong to believe that the Goddess could exist.
That kind of mentality where you are tearing someone else’s beliefs down to make yourself feel superior to them, is toxic, it’s abusive, and more than that it’s just morally wrong.
I have people in my life who absolutely hate that I smoke pot, but they cannot deny that I have come a long way from being the person that I used to be. I am a lot more responsible now, for my own actions I mean. I am accountable to myself and I try to keep myself accountable to others, knowing that it’s an inconvenience to do so.
I am choosing to be deliberate about who I let into my inner circle. I am choosing to be the kind of person who prioritizes health and wellness over want and desire. I am choosing to be the kind of person who would risk poverty for the rest of their life, so that I can take this opportunity to follow my dreams.
Tell me how these are bad choices. I’ll wait.
Those that will try to argue that choices that make you happy while simultaniously keeping you from hurting others, have to look in a mirror.
I went to recovery, I did the steps, more than once – once half heartedly – and I take the steps with me every single day, even when I am not consciously thinking about them, the steps are with me.
My memory of those days is having a panic attack while speaking, and then telling someone I needed help, only to be ignored in favor of someone else. That person also died….and I am bitter about that. I saw a lot of people in recovery die, because they weren’t being heard. Not listened to – I am talking about genuinely being heard.
There is a difference between listening to the words coming out of someone’s mouth, and hearing what it is that they are saying. Language is a confusing and often difficult bitch that changes and evolves as society changes and evolves.
And so that’s why it’s important for you to hear me, when I say…I am happy. I am okay. I am where I am supposed to be. While there are things that I could to do to alter and change my situation, every single day that I wake up, is a day more than I had before.
For the first time in my entire life, I am honest and open about the issues that I face every day, from my mental to my spiritual health. I am doing so in a way that is helping other people. I am unpacking layers of dreams, hopes, and wishes, that I had forgotten I’d had as a child.
I am staring in wonder at my life as I realize that those dreams are becoming a reality and starting to manifest in a way that provides the world with a safe space for others to share their stories. I am excited about my future, for the first time in my life.
I.
Love.
My.
Self.
I.
Love.
My.
Life.
I am more quiet than I have ever been in my life, and that’s because I am genuinely listening, so that I can hear what my new friends around the world are saying. I am not alone anymore, and I am so grateful to my Krisya Ohana, because it’s entirely because of my spiritual family, that I am where I am today.
The people, men, women, and everyone in between, who is joining my journey is doing so for long amounts of time, short amounts of time, and all in between, but they are joining my life meeting the authentic real Devon J Hall.
I’m genuinely honored when people come to me to share their stories with me, because they feel like I am the kind of person they can trust with their truth. That’s a fucking gift.
That’s not something that I used to take advantage of before. It’s certainly not something that I ever thought I would want more of. I love talking to people now, I love getting to hear their stories and learning from their experience.
I genuinely have found within myself, the ability to let people in, and allow them the opportunity to see the real me, and that feels amazing.
Who are you to judge that?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 