Triggers…Triggers…Triggers…

I’ve been doing interviews like crazy this week, about the podcast, and the website. About gender based violence, about my experience, and about the things that I have been through.

It’s been triggering, and it’s been difficult, I mentioned that in my last post. It’s been difficult remembering all the things that hurt me, and all the people that were involved.

But I also recognize that I have a responsibility to change my life, and the best way for me to do that is to remember first and foremost that I deserve to be happy.

Sharing my story is hard, but if I want to go in the direction I think I am headed in, I know that I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

That means that some nights are longer than others, some days too, sometimes it feels like I am just sitting here waiting for time to pass, and other times I am so busy that I am wary of being overwhelmed without realizing it.

Moment to moment is completely different than the moments before, and I keep looking back at the person I used to be in absolute wonder and awe.

I see my former self as an entirely different entity from who I am today, I am amazed, shocked, and genuine awed by the fact that she survived as much as she did so that I could exist as I do.

I am so utterly grateful to the person that I used to be, because as I shed her existence to come into my own, I recognize I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the Devon’s who came before the Devon that is.

It’s a wonderous place to be, and it’s also kind of frightening because it means that I have big shoes to fill. The shoes of a young girl, later turned young woman, who did whatever she had to survive, including choosing to “forget” but not really, more than thirty years of sexual abuse.

Yes I see a warrior and a soldier, a person who fought and clawed in order to survive, but I wonder now what it might feel like if I felt safe enough to truly left myself thrive in my current environment. I think I am starting to understand what that means, let alone show examples of it with these posts that I am writing.

Today I started thinking that maybe I might like to be a consultant, because I have a lot of experience building websites, and with sharing my story, and I think that this is something I would definitely like to look into doing more in the future. But it’s not something I ever thought I’d be capable of before.

Today I realized that I have a lot of skills and talents that are under developed and I realized I would very much like to learn to hone those skills so that I can use them to create a functional stable income for myself. I know that it’s possible, I am just not sure how to go about it just yet.

I know that it’s something I am capable of, that’s for sure, consulting other people and offering my opinions and advice has never been difficult for me, it’s just a matter of creating something that helps people, that they will want. It’s a matter of figuring out how to do that. Something else to learn.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my goals for the future, my dreams, hopes, and wishes, and while I have plenty of them, part of them is about being practical.

I haven’t been ready to be practical in a very long time, because I have been so busy just trying to survive. I haven’t been focused on thriving, because I didn’t think I’d have enough time.

I was absolutely certain that this was the year luck was finally going to run out and that I was going to die. No one could rightly blame me for having that fear, but it’s not one that I am willing to live with for the rest of my life.

No one ever got anywhere by being afraid all the time. -Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood.

I don’t want to be afraid all the time, I want to thrive, I want to be healthy and that means taking it one step at a time.

It’s hard for other people to understand, genuinely, hard for people who don’t see my vision to know what I am going through, or how to help me, and I don’t rightly know what to tell them.

I don’t know how to explain that I know that what I am doing is the right thing to do, so I am choosing not to bother explaining myself to anyone, but myself. I am choosing to do what feels right, because that’s how I know how to operate.

I’ve been going by automatic pilot for so long, that I don’t know how to do anything but do what feels right and safe.

I got my first ever Patreon just as I was writing this post…and I am choosing to believe that this is the universe’s way of telling me that I am on the right path.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

Author: Devon J Hall

Devon J Hall is a thirty-eight-year-old Writer and Author from Surrey, British Columbia by way of Calgary Alberta. She lives with three cats, one mother, and is addicted to coffee, cigarettes, and weed, not necessarily in that order.

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