Today I found myself setting a boundary, rather forcefully, and I feel better for having done it.
I am so tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted of living my life, largely because of the isolation. That’s been the hardest part. It was easy the first few months, because I was already used to being alone, but it’s getting harder and harder the closer we get to Christmas.
There are 54 days left until election day in the USA, and I gotta tell you, I am seriously wondering if my sanity is going to make it.
That photo isn’t me, but it describes perfectly how I feel, looking at the camera like “are you serious? we’re not done yet?” is exactly how I would be looking at the camera myself.
I am so tired of the news, between the California wild fires, the Corona Virus and the death tolls that seemingly never go down, only up, is exhausting. It’s easy enough to say turn off the news and don’t pay attention to it, but let’s be honest, when has putting our heads in the sand ever worked?
Donald Trump wants you to think that he’s doing great during the world’s first pandemic in a hundred years, but right now the USA is up to 189,489 people dead due to the Corona virus.
Canada’s number’s aren’t nearly as high, but our government is going through yet again, another ethics investigation, the Proud Boys have certainly made themselves comfortable here, and every day we’re hearing about more brown and Black kids, around the world, going missing with no news about their survival or death.
2020 has been a mood.
It’s the kind of mood that makes me think that the God’s have thrown their hands up in the air just to see the board game fly around with all the pieces landing all over the damned place, and I reiterate the fact that I am fucking tired.
So I set a boundary today, and I did it in a way that was a bit too forceful for my liking, but needed to be done none the less.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to set my boundaries, because I am utterly exhausted, and I know that I need to take time of myself, but I always feel so guilty when I do.
I keep asking myself what I am doing and why I am doing it, wondering if these posts are actually helping anyone, and then I realize they are helping me, because I am not keeping my emotions all bottled up anymore.
That’s the biggest change that I have made in the last few years, and that has bothered some people, it’s made them uncomfortable, because they are used to me going along with doing whatever they say quietly, and I am not doing that anymore.
It’s kind of amusing to watch people get uncomfortable when I say “no” especially when I know, (ha ha) that they are expecting me to say “Sure thing, no problem, whatever you say.”
It’s also really frustrating, because it shows just how often I have said yes when all I really wanted to say was “no, I’m tired, I don’t want to do that.” I feel like I am never allowed to be tired.
I mean I’m allowed to be tired, I am just not allowed to do anything about it, because then I feel lazy and selfish.
I don’t think that being tired, and taking a day or two to sit in bed and not move is lazy or selfish, but I do think that I haven’t done that enough in my lifetime, and that’s because I always feel like I need to be working.
I know it’s important to remind myself to take breaks, I’ve said this before, to give myself permission to be at peace, the problem is that when I am not working, I feel like I am not doing my part.
I have an inferiority complex a mile wide. I always feel inferior to those around me who have graduated from college or university, I always feel like the experiences that I have had are not valid because I don’t have a piece of paper telling the world that I have succeeded in spite of.
These days however, I comfort myself with the knowledge that I am building a pretty good brand, that tells people I know what I am talking about. I have and am continuing to build a website devoted to mental health and I know that by sharing my story I am helping others, because they have told me so.
More than that, when I release what I am experiencing through this blog, through my writing, I am finding that I am discovering parts of myself that I keep to my self, that I don’t feel comfortable sharing. I am discovering that I have necessary boundaries that I am trying hard to keep to.
Putting my life on the page for others to read is absolutely my choice, but I know there will come a time in my future when it will be expected that I suck up the fact that I made this choice, and more will be demanded.
I am hoping that before that happens I learn how best to control myself so that I don’t inadvertently lash out in ways that are unhealthy and force me to slide backwards. That is my greatest fear, I never want to go back to where I started on my journey towards whatever it is that is coming my way.
I am sure that many of you can understand that, the fear of going backwards is what pushes me to continue moving forwards, even on days when I feel like I don’t have the strength.
We keep going because no one ever got anywhere by staying in the same place for too long.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall