Dreams & Nightmares

Coming Out Of The Closet

It’s no secret that I am bisexual, but this is the first time I’ve written about it on my blog. Largely because it’s been nice to sail under the radar all these years, it’s been nice to say “yup I fight for you, I respect your right to be LGBTQ” without having to admit that I too am Bisexual in a way that matters.

I’ve mentioned it over Twitter a time or two, but I’ve never really disected my sexuality and there is only one reason for that.

I am absolutely convinced that I was Born Gay. I am absolutely convinced that being sexualized way too young is what pushed my hormones out of whack, and I have absolutely concluded that I would much rather have a relationship with a woman than I would a woman.

Largely because of my past experience with sexual abuse, and partners who didn’t respect my boundaries.

I am absolutely terrified to have a relationship with a woman however, because the men of my past wouldn’t like that….how fucked up is that? I am still to this day denying parts of myself because I was sexually trained to submit to men who were far weaker than me.

There are a lot of people who say they are men and women of Religion, who have reasons as to why I couldn’t possibly be gay or bisexual, and all I can say to them is that’s between me and God…if God hates the idea that much he she they or them can do whatever they will to stop me, but I am never going to stop being my true self.

These are lessons that are ingrained in my blood, lessons that I will spend forever and a day trying to unlearn, because that’s what sexual abuse does to you. It changes everything you are and convinces you to be something you are not, in order to survive the pain and trauma that comes with being abused.

For me my bisexuality has nothing to do with sex, it has to do with humanity, it’s a connection with women that I seek, and very little about that connection is about sex.

I can’t explain it, I can’t quantify it, there is no list of reasons as to why I prefer the idea of being with a woman more than the idea of being with a man, it just is what it fucking is.

As a woman of color, as a Black woman whose been abused to the extent that I have been, the idea of being with a man fills me with a fear that can in a very real way last through generations.

It’s terrifying to me, to come out as bisexual because there are those who think they know me better than they think I know myself who won’t believe me.

I can’t say that being raped as much as I have been turned me bisexual, I can’t say it didn’t, all I know is that this part of me exists and I don’t really want to deny that part of me anymore.

I’ve only been doing it because I have spent my life absolutely terrified of speaking those words into reality.

Which is ironic because one of the people who inspires me the absolute most is a person I used to babysit. He came out to me when he was five years old, he told me exactly what name he wanted to use when I was sixteen.

I didn’t know what to say, so I whispered “I love you,” and tucked him into bed, hoping that he got his wish. Turns out he recently did, he just had his top surgery and I couldn’t be more proud.

He has become a strong powerful young man who is fully aware of who he is and who he wants to be, and he inspires me, so I feel safe, because he felt safe.

For so many of us, coming out as Bisexual is a fucking piece of work, it means saying that we don’t fit into the hetero norm, it means that we don’t fit into the box that white, proper patriarchal society thinks that we should. We also don’t fit into the box a lot of the LGTQ community feels that we should fit into. They acknowledge us with lgBtq, sure….but they don’t really value us as much as they value those they can understand.

Bisexual people like people of mixed race, get hatred from all sides, and that’s a terrifying history to live up to, to be a part of. But here I am sharing it with the world, because I am tired of going to Pride and pretending that I am only half a person.

I am a full person with needs and desires and fantasy’s and hopes and dreams that can only be filled by my forever person, and as much as people would like for me to “choose a side” and all that shit, I don’t know what that person looks like.

There are a lot of people out there, who think that I have to be one or the other, but I can’t bring myself to care what other people think. I spent my entire life trying to be something I wanted and all it got me was heart break, and raped…..usually and mostly by men.

The one woman I’ve ever had a relationship with, had an affair with a married man shortly after meeting him, and that hurt so bad I never really expressed any desire to try again with anyone else. It sort of closed the idea on having a relationship with a woman for me, and affected me in ways I never realized it could.

That’s the thing about gender preference and sexuality, it’s such a huge part of who we are that unless we take the time to fully explore that gender preference and sexuality, we can’t really and fully commit to claiming our vessels for ourselves. If that makes sense.

I don’t know if they are male, female, transgender or somewhere else on the spectrum, but I am excited to find out one day, because whoever my forever person is, it won’t matter what shell they come in, as long as they’re willing to put up with my shit.

As long as we love each other, respect each other and care for each other, that’s all I care about.

Wherever you are, to whoever you are, I love you, see you in the future,

Devon J Hall

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