Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Anyone who knew me ten years ago would wonder if I had lost my mind, knowing that today I now write about smoking cannabis. The truth is, yes, yes I did lose my mind.

That’s why I smoke cannabis, because it helps me remember who I want to be.

It took me decades to find something that helps me calm my mind. Years and years and years of being abused left me with memories that are broken, disjointed, and loud.

The cannabis makes everything quiet, so I can think, and function. Some days it’s so loud all I want to do is scream “Shut Up” as loud as possible, but there’s nothing there, there’s no one talking, there’s not even sound.

There’s just the memory of my own screams, me begging for it to stop, and me wondering when I was going to be “free”.

The thing about “freedom” is that it’s fleeting. It comes and then it goes, and before you know it you’re stuck in a chaotic spin of being free but never really having freedom.

I’m going back to school, and I am also going back to work. It’s taken me a long time to find anything resembling “Stability,” which if I am being honest is all I’ve ever really wanted.

I feel like my entire life has been a rollercoaster that got off the rails and is wreaking havoc on everything that I care about. Things’ aren’t perfect because I said no to the things that I didn’t want eight years ago, but at least here I have the freedom to say no without getting slapped, abused, hit, or lied on because I did.

So many women are choosing cannabis today instead of alcohol because they are recognizing that alcohol doesn’t lift them up it brings them down.

Two joints and suddenly I’m at the gym lifting over a hundred pounds for the first time in my life, I’m writing more, and I am taking care of my mind in ways that I haven’t in the past.

I remember all the scary people I hung around when I was drinking, and I remember the scary things they put me through. My sober/stoner friends have never once put me in the position of feeling like I had to be half of myself to fit in.

I was talking to my friend today and she mentioned that her and another friend had hung out – the most amazing thing happened – there was only joy. For not the first time since I’ve met these women, there was a complete lack of jealousy. A complete lack of “I need to step up to compete.” There was just happiness two of my friends got to spend time together.

Nothing that I thought was true about weed is true, everything I learned about cannabis in the last eight years has shown me that it has great potential to do a great many things, but it can’t help you get better unless you use it the way that it’s meant to be used.

Cannabis is not a party drug, it’s a healing plant. It’s designed to work with the body to heal the parts of ourselves that need healing, and lift up everything else.

We’re born with Endocannabinoid systems specifically because this is the system in the body designed to work with the very specific cannabis plant.

We are born to work with the world, to move as the earth moves, to breath as the wind sways, but colonization, white supremacy, and the “Exploration of the universe,” have destroyed our connection to the place that gave us life.

I know there is a lot of stigma around women smoking cannabis – around anyone smoking cannabis – but the thing is, if you can drink yourself into a stupor and then drive while drunk, I should be allowed to get higher than a cloud and clean every inch of my house ten times a month.

Like the math isn’t that complicated. I fully understand that youth and children should not be using cannabis. That’s obvious. Yes our bodies are designed to work with cannabis, but children and youth already produce so much on their own that yes, it can be harmful. That’s just a fact.

It can also be harmful to some adults. Some people get sick when smoking cannabis, even eating it can make them ill.

There are a lot of downsides to smoking cannabis for people who can’t handle what the medication does. That being said, it’s absolutely not your job to decide whether or not another human being should be using the plant, unless it’s a Doctor with prior experience with cannabis use.

The judgements, the ideas of what a stoner looks like, the jokes need to stop. I wrote four books while smoking cannabis, and I am really proud of the work I was able to produce.

Each of us in this world has to find something that brings us peace because everything else in this world is trying to kill us.

So if you’re a Sista Stona out there, know that I love you, respect you, cherish you, and appreciate the fact that you didn’t choose cannabis lightly.

We know the risks associated with choosing cannabis. Entire communities can shun us, all our best friends can walk away, and at the end of the day the only thing that will get us through all of that is lighting up a big fat blunt, and letting the universe take care of it.

I am a more honest, more true version of myself because I have cannabis in my life, and because I am no longer carrying shame, guilt, anxiety, and or fear that doesn’t belong to me.

I hope that if you’re out there and you’re struggling, you’ll reach for a joint before a needle, and pick up the phone before you pick up the joint.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl