So I figured out what my new book is about. It’s going to be called Devil Child, and it’s about my life inside and outside of the church, the differences and how they intersect with what I am doing now and this book y’all…it hates me.
Recently someone asked what I was writing about and I told them: It’s a book about my life inside and outside of the church. The look they gave me. They turned their face away, looked down and nodded, but didn’t say anything and I knew this person was inside the church.
It’s really hard when you’re inside a church organization to trust anyone outside of that group because you are trained and conditioned to assimilate, without asking questions. There is very little room for rebellion or alteration of the church rules.
Once you tell people you’ve left the church you get a range of responses, but rarely does anyone say “congratulations,” which is what folks should be saying.
Leaving the church is a huge change, it causes a huge massive change in your life because suddenly all the things you did that were wrapped around being a part of the church are suddenly gone and you have to find new things to replace them with. Which can be fucking terrifying at first.
I didn’t understand how traumatized by my own choice to leave the church until recently, and so I am just starting to peel back how I feel about it all and honestly, I’m starting to realize my feelings about the church-based organizations I’ve been a part of, are not great. I don’t have a lot of great feelings because the people in the churches weren’t really that great at being people.
There was a lot of body shaming, ass grabbing, and “get over it,” in the last church I was a part of, and people there didn’t understand that their behaviour had an effect on my trauma and the trauma of others, I don’t think that I did back then either.
Now I’m starting to understand and things are starting to make sense. “Oh I am the way I am because of how I was treated inside the church,” makes a lot more sense than “God hates you which is why you were treated that way.” No, people just suck sometimes, but once you expel them from your life, you’re free to go and find good and healthy people to spend time with.
It’s a lot easier now, to stay sober – on days when I know I shouldn’t drink – then it used to be, because now I have a support system that I can lean on, and when I do decide to have a drink, it’s always a light one, and for fun, not because I’m sad or miserable.
I have healthy, strong connections and coping mechanisms now that I didn’t have before and that feels really good. Yes, my house is still mostly a mess, but I’m doing a little bit each day to change that and finding healthy habits that push me toward getting back to myself again.
It’s 8:29 am and these are the thoughts in my head this morning. Have a great day everyone.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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