There are days when I genuinely just want the day to be over. Another day of working my ass off from home, from the same living space I see every day all day can make you feel like you’re living in a prison, believe me I know.
But today was different. Today I signed my book contract with a community organization known as Surrey Shares and all I can think is, now the world won’t get the chance to stop me, because I absolutely refuse to die until I rule the whole damned world.
I am going to be everything I said I was going to be, in spite of the ones who tried to kill me, who tried to give me a reason to die, I’m here and I’m doing the thing that I’ve been wanting to do since I was five years old.
I was a girl raised in a mostly white community as a child, who beat every odd thrown at her, who stood up to discover that “they/them,” feels better than “She/he” and people still refuse to acknowledge my gender identity because I confuse them.
I am The Loud Mouth Brown Girl, who is they/them, who survived gangsters, bad faith doctors, and horrible teachers to get to a place most people don’t see as a big deal.
I am not a soldier, but I understand the struggles that soldiers face, I am. afighter. I refuse to give up on myself, and people ask why, and where did this confidence come from? Everyone else gave up on me, I wasn’t going to be the one to deliberately choose not to make my dreams come true, out of fear that I don’t deserve my dreams. Stupid reason to fail.
I hear the same thinking patterns that I used to hear when I was a kid: You don’t deserve to be happy, you haven’t earned it, you haven’t worked hard enough, baby according to whom?
I’ve worked my ass off to get here, I told so many lies that for years I couldn’t see where the truth started, just to protect my abusers so they wouldn’t kill me for telling the truth. The truth literally had to be pried out of me with fucking hypnotism for fucksakes and drugs. A LOT Of medical-grade drugs to knock me out when I lost my shit.
I’ve been hospitalized so many times over the years I’ve lost count, and today I signed my book contract. You’re fucking right I earned this shit, every little bit of it, and it hurt. There are scars that have scars, that have scars, to describe the shit that I’ve been through. to get here, and your first mistake was letting me live.
Name one person in Surrey BC who went through what I went through, and lived to tell the tale?! Devon J Hall. There’s only 1 and that’s me.
I did it, I signed a fucking book deal…now on to the next.
If you have thoughts you’d like to add about this post, please leave a message, and let’s talk about them,
Sending All My Love,
Devon J Hall and Krisya Ohana