This is supposed to be the most beautiful day of the year, but one more time I cannot be with the people that I love, and like many of you, I am suffering the consequences of not being able to be with the people who mean the world to me. My Krisya Ohana – my spiritual family of course – but also my blood family. My brothers, my sisters, cousins, uncles, and aunties, are all spread out around the world doing their own thing, and mostly I’m just thinking about my little brother Chris.
This is the first or second year we haven’t spent Christmas together, but this year it’s because of the pandemic, and travel restrictions that are preventing us from getting together.
It sucks the big one, BUT THE GOOD news is that you’re all here reading this, looking for some moment of peace and calm away from the chaos going on around us and I just feel like this year is different.
In past years I have only been able to focus on what I didn’t have, instead of all the wonderful gifts that I’d been given, largely because many of those gifts came with such horrendous negativity, but this year has been a year filled with blessings, majick, and absolute shock at the fact that there are people who genuinely want me around.
This feeling of “oh, wow, you love me,” is a trauma response, by not being loved in ways that make sense to both our brains, and our hearts, and it’s something that we have to work on. We have to take the negative with the good, but we also have to really focus on “does this person love me, and I’m just not seeing it?”
This year I am focused on looking forward, on moving forward, on pushing through all the darkness, all the fear, anxiety, depression, and PTSD of it all to keep going because I’ve come this far and this is not where I want to be.
It’s so difficult, and many of you know this when you want to move past something but everyone in your life refuses to let go of the past, and that seems to be the theme for many people, especially at Christmas when the cannabis and the alcohol are flowing freely.
So how do you combat all of the negativity? Yup, I’m going to recommend breathing exercises, I am going to recommend finding a few moments when you can go outside, go for a walk, look at the lights, check out the neighborhood, find someone you love, and connect with to have some laughs with, do something that pulls you away from the darkness. Make a phone call and say hello if you need to, or help if you need that as well.
This year at my mom’s work 29 people have died from various issues, and some of them didn’t have anyone to call home or to call family, those are the kinds of people that I am mostly focused on right now. The ones that make us smile, the ones that make us happy, are often the ones that are suffering the most this time of the year, and they needed to be reminded that they are loved and cherished too.
So while I know it’s frustrating to deal with your racist aunts and uncles (cut that shit out asap if you can,) also remember to take some time to check in the more quiet people at the gatherings, or the ones who would lean towards quietness if they were around if you are able.
If you’re not, step aside, and let someone else take the load. It’s okay not to be the healer all the time, it’s okay to let someone take care of you.
One more time and until my last breath, thank you for taking this journey with me this year.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 