So you all know Chuck Lorre, and some people love him but some people hate him. He does Vanity cards, I do love letters, and because of that, the muses of the universes finally decided to kick Calliope’s ass so that I could focus on doing some things that I have wanted to do for awhile, but that I didn’t have time for.
So today I have questions from the voices in my head, ala the fact that ….I have voices in my head, and like one of my bestested buds, I need to get that shit out so that I can focus, so here are the questions, and answers as best as I can hear them.
Look, there are people who will hate it, but the Loud Mouth Brown Girl was born in fire, and turned into someone who learned to want to kill the men who abused her with kindness. She waited to get revenge, and revenge she did receive, but in the process she also became something else. Trauma fucking sucks, it is the shit stew from a shit lake made out of shit shit and more shit. HOWEVER, when you get past that and you find a way to weaponize your anger into something that can literally change the world, people start to see you differently, and sometimes they even hear you when you scream. Use those tiny moments to ensure that you make your voice count.
What advice do you have for someone whose been traumatized by their own people?
What’s The Question?
That’s not the question, the question is if you really want to know the question, stop looking inside yourself for the answers. Unlock the damned doors in your heart, find your soul and ask your soul what they have seen. When you realize your soul is me and I am you, then you can do what we can do, until then, the question itself is a secret, because only the Loud Mouth Brown Girl can do it.
What’s The Baby Goat Story?
What’s the worst best thing that a bully has ever said to you?
When I was at Saint James I faced a lot of bullshit, we all did, because Roman Catholic school, so you like, already know how the fuck that goes.
So my mom suggested that I try out for the jr girls Basketball team. I did but I really didn’t want to. There was very much a “she’s Black so she’s good at basketball.” Yeah, that’s LITERALLY not how it works. So on the day of tryouts, I heard one of the girls say I sucked, so I ended up throwing a ball from half court through the hoop.
It wasn’t about proving that I could do shit, it was an accident made out of anger, because like first off you insult me, you try to set my hair on fire, you beat me down at every turn, and now you have to be perfectly beautiful AND good at basketball?
Naw fuck this, so I made the shot, and it was a great shot. And honestly? When I was done with that? It was like…that’s not fun. I’d rather be writing, but because Calgary, in the 90s getting in touch with our OWN feelings, was really not…welcomed or inspired.
So I made the shot, and a few weeks later I left the team, and honestly, it was a relief, because in that first moment on the court all I could think was “I am on a basketball court, just like the greats,” the only problem? I fucking hate basketball.
It feels like a failure that I didn’t pursue it, but the only reason I didn’t was that AFTER I made that shot my high school bully said “oh fuck you.”
It was an insult like you’ve been treating me like crap all this year, and now I realize it’s because you’re jealous? Interesting. Prior to moving to BC, she ended up cutting off all her blonde hair and dyed it red. Seems she was more inspired by The Prodigy than by Brittany Spears.
It took me a lot of years to figure out why because of trauma, but that was an apology. She did it on my last day at that school, and for a moment I won’t lie, as I packed up my locker, I stood and waited and watched as people made fun of my bully for a moment. Was it mean and petty? Nah, that girl tried to set my Black curls on fire.
But all these years later? I’m still grateful that on my last day, the entire class that had treated me like crap, actually made an effort to pretend to believe they cared about losing me as a co-student.
That perfect rim shot into the basketball hoop was a message: Look, you don’t have to like me, you don’t even have to love me, but you DAMNED sure better listen when I tell you that if I don’t want to do something it doesn’t mean that it’s because I can’t, it’s because NO MEANS NO.
And just because I CAN do something, doesn’t mean I want to, so for all those watching this, reading this blog listen very clearly when I tell you, that any single person who says “NO, I DON’T LIKE THAT,” is probably NOT trying to make you laugh. They are trying to tell you that they are not interested in the energy you are putting out. That’s a lesson that myself, and too many people my age, older and younger, have had to learn to break free from, because so many of us who were abused, become people who learn to abuse.
NO MEANS NO. No person has the right to touch any other without permission, so if you’re reading this and you’ve said “NO” put your hands up, and start dancing. It’s not about getting lifted, it’s literally about learning to harness the energy around you so that you can find peace while providing space for others to join you.
Trauma is annoying, it’s FUCKING ANNOYING, but if you learn to take that trauma, and cleanse it, find a way to let it heal in YOUR time, when you’re ready, then maybe you can create something amazing, something positive, that changes the world.
It’s my hope that this blog can do that, and the first time in my life that I realized that what I wanted was exactly what I was getting, I was standing on a basketball court completely frozen realizing that I was surrounded by people who had trained a lot of their lives for the moment they could be in that same spot.
It was fucking terrifying, because I don’t really want to be on a big stage, but I do want my voice to count, and I knew that although Basketball could provide me a life that would one day be….something others might envy, I’m not interested in being envied.
I learned that day that our bodies move in very different ways. Largely because we are genetically coded to flow with certain types of energy, and the energy that I found on the basketball court wasn’t the calming peaceful serenity that I wanted to needed.
Loud Mouth Brown Girl is when I feel the most “me” of my life. I can kick ass in my dreams, I can make a single shot and promise that I’d have done that every single time, but the greater the pressure the more I just want to go sit on a balcony somewhere, in a building of my own development, with my own air rights, and write as I sip my ice coffee. I know exactly what I want it to look like, and I know how to get where I want to go.
My dreams will never be the same dreams as someone else’s but I can appreciate why they enjoy the game. It’s fun to run up and down, until you realize that you’ve been doing that your entire life and you’re only 13. In my thirties I just want to chill out and vibe, I just want to get lifted, and enjoy staying in the middle. I like where I’m at. Do I need money? Hell yes, do I need to eat? Absolutely, but as for whatever everyone else thinks I should be? Nah I’m good.
I got this.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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Uncomfortable is an Uncomfortable read of un-edited essays written by the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, during the start of the 2020-2021 pandemic era on planet earth. It’s a difficult read filled with reminders that no matter how much the universe tries to squish us, we keep pushing through and moving forward to become our best selves. Grab a copy from Amazon on Kindle or Hardcopy Here.