Last year I think? I wrote a post called “Why We Don’t Report,” actually I wrote a couple of them. And everything in those posts are true, there are a lot of reasons that victims of domestic violence, and sexual abuse do not report.
However, the more that I hear about the volumes of stories of victims, the more that I hear about the likes of Peter Nygard who did a lot of things that were similar to what was done to me as a child, the more that I feel like we have a responsibility, to ourselves, and ourselves alone, to put our stories on the record.
It’s not like I do not understand the mind numbing terror of coming forward, or the shame of when you do finally come forward, being committed.
I find it hilarious personally, in a sick twisted SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP WAY, that Peter Nygard is being charged with confinement and sexual slavery of his victims, because when I said that that had happened to me, and produced a list of other victims my arms length long, I was called psychotic and committed.
Okay Devon, Why Should I put MY Sanity on the line, to report my TRAUMA, after what happened to YOU?
Because what men like Keith Rainiere, Peter Nygard, Epstein, Weinstein, Cosby, and Kelly all have in common is that they are giant piles of powerless shit, in human meat sacks.
That is all they are. They are men that are so rich, that they believe(d) that God prefers them because they had access to all the “blessings” the world has to offer.
Rich white guys, or Black guys, Men, in general, always think that they can do whatever the fuck they want, because they have a penis, and many women follow suit, because they wish they had a penis, and so they act out in ways that hurt the most innocent of us, in order to fill the penis shaped holes in the meat sack section where their hearts are supposed to be.
There is however hope. For the purposes of this article, and my own personal experience, I am going to use the terms “she”, but this article applies to anyone across the gender spectrum.
There are a lot of things that women can do to get our power back after abuse, even though often times, it doesn’t look like it.
Since moving to a new city or province, or state, is not always an option, here are some things that you can do to protect your home:
- Window locks are shit in most apartments, the design is shit, and unconcerned with your safety. You can pick up a slider lock for usually under ten bucks at any home improvement store.
- Door locks are also shit. Make sure you replace the screws in the door jamb, and no I am not kidding. The screws used in most door jambs are short, making your doors easy to kick in, if you get longer screws, they are actually more secure.
- You can also buy extra locks. One or two should do it, twelve is a bit much, but I’ve found several effective looking options both online and in a variety of home improvement stores.
- Have a list of people who know your situation, and who know who was or might be involved if something happens. WORST CASE SCENARIO, at least if something happens, you have a recorded list of people who can speak on your behalf to your fear.
- If you are strong enough, and if you are capable of doing so, report, I know it’s difficult, I did it several times and was committed every single time, BUT reporting puts it on the record so that if something happens, you at least have the “I told you so, to fall back on.”
Reporting to the police is the shittiest, crappiest experience of my life, and there are a lot of people who will swear up and down that I did it because I am a rat.
I did it because there were a lot of children, just like me, who were forced against their will, to have sex with me – in normal circles, we call it rape. They were grown men who made children have sex with each other, took pictures, and then sold us to other grown men, and I wanted it to stop, I still want it to stop.
So I came forward, knowing exactly what it would mean for my reputation, and I didn’t give a fuck. I didn’t want to get raped anymore, and I don’t want anyone else to get raped, so I spoke out, and a lot of people hate me for it. Too bad.
A lot of the same people who hate me, were involved, and many of them have children, I don’t want to read a story about how their children, also became victims, because no one spoke out.
That is NOT A DIG AT THOSE WHO DO NOT REPORT.
Literally no one on this planet wants to be a part of club “I survived emotional, racial, sexual, hate crimes,” it’s a really stupid club to be a part of. Everyone is miserable and cranky, we’re tired, we’re scared, we deal with anxiety, and we hate the world most of the time.
But for every person that survived there are many more who did not, and some of us speak because they cannot any longer.
There is no shame in keeping YOUR story to YOUR self. It’s YOURS, Yes, You HAVE shared enough, but if you DO Decide to share…we’re with you.
I jump at every sound outside of my apartment, I am constantly looking over my shoulder, worrying about what car belongs to what neighbor or guest, I am constantly afraid someone is going to kick down my door and that I am going to be raped again. I worry about a future in which my own real adult home, is covered in security including armed guards when I can afford it because I am afraid.
All – The – Damned – Time – I – Am – Never – Not – Afraid
I want to make that very clear, because everyone, when they hear my story, delights in telling me that I am “so strong,” as if that is something to admire. As if whatever strength is in my DNA is something to look up to. It shouldn’t have to be.
Abusers do not enjoy the “Act” of abuse, they enjoy what comes after. They enjoy knowing that you’ll never stop thinking about them, and the moment that you try, they will try to remind you of your fear.
- Pop up in places you know you will be, just to see the look on your face.
- They will slander your name and make themselves look like the victim to your friends, family, and allies, while enjoying how everyone treats you as they believe “him/her,” instead of you.
- They will actively enjoy your pain, they thirst for it, and will find dozens of evil ways to bring it out, just to watch.
A few days ago I was sitting outside, and I saw both a group of women, and a white woman cross the street to get away from where I was sitting on a bench, and that was when I knew for certain, that the word was out. I am no longer to be interacted with.
Good, that means that it’s working, and it’s proof for all those who think that I am messing around. When you start taking your power back, when your enemies start to see you standing up against everything they throw at you, they back off, because if you’re crazy enough to drive yourself crazy trying to find the truth, then what the hell else are you going to do next?
You’re going to keep going. Yes, your abuser(s) have shown you a dark side of the world that you didn’t expect, and didn’t know was out there prior to your awful interaction with them.
You still have to live. You still have to eat, shower, dress yourself, so you may as well enjoy the parts of your life that you control. Many people find solace in hiding from the world, in locking themselves away, so that they cannot be hurt again, and if I had the money I probably would too.
I actually do not love being the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, it’s lonely, and I spend a lot of time fighting against people I’ve been trying to escape for years, but I do it, because I know what it feels like to not have the words, and I want to make sure that the other girls out there who don’t have the words, have a place that can come and find them.
I am who I am, because someone out there needs me to be, and that’s why it’s so important for you to put your story on the record. It doesn’t have to be something that you share with the world, and right now I am thinking about Anne Frank, quite honestly.
She didn’t have an audience, or a world of fans until long after her death, but her story? That will last long after humans have departed this earth. Too many people have read her story, and passed it on, too many people have dissected every word of the terror, horror, and evil she and her family faced when they ran and hid from the Nazi army.
BECAUSE her story exists, we know how important it is now, to stand up against supremacy, and BECAUSE her story was written down, somewhere out there got to know that they were not alone.
BECAUSE of her, hundreds of thousands of victims of Nazi evil have come forward to share their stories, and inspired so many others to speak up and share theirs. Our stories matter. If you can’t report, if that is something that you absolutely can not do publicly, then please, please, consider doing it for yourself.
You deserve to record your truth.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall