I am a published author. For those of you who are not new to this website, that’s not news, but for me it’s fucking huge. It’s been one year and two days since I sat here, typed the last word of my document and realized that I had just finished writing a book.
I remember sitting here for a few minutes just staring in shock that I had finished it. It wasn’t a masterpiece, it wasn’t meant to be, it was what I needed to say, it was essentially having a literary garage sale of all the crap that I’d been holding onto for years.
I was afraid last year. I was afraid my abusers were going to come back and murder me, and I just wanted to be published before I died so that I could say “well at least that goal had been accomplished before I lost my life.”
Now here I am a year later and while I am still often afraid, at least I can say that I continue to fight past my fear every single day by getting up and writing about it. At least I didn’t stay silent, at least I found my roar, at least I decided to speak up and speak out, and at least I didn’t give up on myself, even though I very much have wanted to throughout this last year.
By the time you read this my anniversary will be many days over, but that doesn’t make it any less special or important, that doesn’t make it any less of an accomplishment, and honestly I can hear some of you saying “I wish I could do that,” and I hear another voice saying “why can’t you?” here’s my contribution: You Will When You Are Ready.
It’s the getting ready part for me, when I look back I see so many people who used to be so dissapointed in me because they saw me as someone who had all this untapped potential that I wasn’t using, but that’s because I knew a lot of stuff they didn’t know, and I had to wait until it was time to educate them, before I knew I’d be ready to reveal the real Devon J Hall to the world.
I think back to all the years that I struggled, that I cried, begged, pleaded, or stayed absolutely silent in the face of people telling me what I should/could/would do if “only” I’d behave “better.”
My behavior for all of those years was a direct result of being raped and tortured, abused and neglected, and now here I am a published author. No, I didn’t get the big fancy party, or the lights and camera’s but that’s not what I wanted.
I wanted MY name on a copy of something that I had created, and one year and two days later I am looking back in awe that I had it in me, because I honestly didn’t think that I did.
I honestly didn’t know what it was that I was entirely capable of, and now that I do I am not going to lie, I am a little overwhelmed. There are all of these things that I WANT to do, all of these things that I COULD do, and I am not sure which direction to go into, but what I do know is that whatever direction I head in, will be the one that I am supposed to be in.
My entire life has been a series of uneducated choices, made on the basis that I knew that I had a destiny, but I wasn’t entirely sure that I was ready to watch that destiny unfold, AS IT WAS UNFOLDING.
I knew that I was smart, talented, wise, courageous, and adventurous, but I didn’t know how to take those few words and see them for what they were. Adventure doesn’t’ always mean climbing mountains physically, sometimes it means escaping the trauma. Wisdom doesn’t always mean your name in lights for the world to see, sometimes it means the little old lady who smokes pot and plays crazy eights with you.
Now that I am here, in “this” space I am starting to think about what I want for the future, and what I want the direction of LMBG to be, but I am also thinking a lot about my writing career. I haven’t made concrete definitive decisions yet, but I am sitting here and thinking and plotting, and writing down goals, expectations, and possible futures or roads that I could take, and weighing my options, and you know what?
I wish I had done this shit sooner. I wish I had thrown up my arms ten years ago, or fifteen, and started screaming, and yelling, and smoking pot, and dancing, and singing, I wish I had set myself free sooner, because I wasted soo much damned time being what everyone else wanted me to be, instead of cutting them all off like the leeches they absolutely are.
I am done with that. I am moving forward, and I am not taking very many people with me, I am going to branch out and meet new amazing phenomenal women who can teach me how to embrace the best parts of myself, while helping me to correct the parts of myself that aren’t always the best, and I am going to enjoy the process of becoming whoever it is that I am destined to become, because I have fucking earned it.
I am lucky that I work in an industry where no one can ever say that they used my hands to do the work that I get to claim, I am lucky that I live in a world where I can say that with a LOT Of inspiration, it was MY hands, MY brain, MY heart, MY soul, that put Loud Mouth Brown Girl into the world, and I am going to be unashmedly proud of myself.
This week I wanted to celebrate that more than 16,000 times this website has been viewed on computers all across the world, but this week not only do I get to celebrate that, but I ALSO get to celebrate the fact that I am a published, friggen AUTHOR. Many people around the globe can say that, but not a single one of them is me, like I am me, and I am super excited about that fact.
I am watching Southern Charm and they just asked Craig if he ever imagined he’d be where he is now, “yes I did, just no one else did,” he says laughing.
YEAH, EXACTLY, THAT FUCKING SHIT.
There are so many people from my past that will spend the rest of their lives talking trash about me, for whatever their reasons might be, but not one bit of that negativity is going to stop me from making MY dreams come true, and I am really glad and happy and blessed that I get to say that on THIS website, and no one else can.
I am really fucking proud of myself, and if you’re sitting there thinking about what YOU could do, ask yourself what you WANT to do, and then find a way to go and do it.
I don’t know when I am going to be done talking about myself, if ever, but what I do know is that finally, there is a method and a purpose to the madness, and I feel really good about my future.
So don’t fuck it up Universe,
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall