I am so tired of having to explain that shit triggers me. I don’t want to watch certain television shows because I know there are going to be sex scenes that trigger me. I have never been comfortable with my sexuality, I have never ever felt comfortable in my own body, and it makes me feel uncomfortable to be involved in conversations where people are talking about anything sexual, so I try to avoid them.
This is especially true after recovering more than twenty years of memories of sexual abuse, trauma, that included kidnapping, rape, beatings, and actual legit torture. I am tired y’all, so when I say “no” fucking accept the word No, and don’t make me want to slap you, it’s not fair.
I shouldn’t have to get angry and turn into bitchzilla for you to accept my “no,” and the worst part is that it’s not just men who refuse to accept no anymore, it’s women too.
Saying “no” is really hard for me, because I was taught by sexual abuse that I wasn’t allowed to say no to anyone, for any reason, so when I say no and people actually accept it, I feel like I’ve won something.
When people choose not to accept my no, I become irritable, frustrated, and angry, largely because I feel like I am not being heard.
My friend Doctor Nicole Scott recently wrote a post called “the Power of Nohttps://finallyfree2beme.com/f/the-power-of-no“, and in this post she details this exact feeling of being completely out of sorts when people refuse to accept “no” for an answer.
I get triggered by something every single day, for the last three months all I’ve been doing is curling up and crying, going to sleep is really hard for me, because I often hear the voice of my abusers, or the people who wish they could have protected me, I hear the stories of my own trauma in my head playing out all the time, so I try to avoid things that will trigger a negative response.
Just because YOU liked something, just because YOU had a good experience, doesn’t mean that “I” am going to have the same kind of experience, and your choice to not respect that actual fact really says a lot more about who you are then it says about who I am.
There are things in this world that I never, ever, ever, want another human to have to see or know about. I share pieces of my story, but I don’t share the nitty gritty details because I know that a) I will trigger myself and b) it will only serve to trigger or cause harm to someone else. The shit that I experienced is nothing short of evil, and so while watching a show with lots of sex and romance might be wonderful for you, it actually triggers in me absolute disgust.
Last night I tried to watch the Punisher, I have been trying to watch this show for weeks, I ended up having a slightly erotic dream about the main character actor, and I woke up in the middle of the night crying “I do not want this,” that’s how easy it is for me to be triggered.
I shouldn’t have to explain that my “no” comes from a deep seeded fear of being triggered, I shouldn’t have to explain how hard these moments of being triggered are for me, you should just accept that I have reasons, and you shouldn’t make me work so fucking hard to explain myself, because guess what? That triggers shit too, and then I have to deal with the PTSD nightmares that come and you don’t, and that’s some kind of bullshit.
I’ve been afraid enough in my life that I shouldn’t have to live in fear anymore, and you pushing me to have an experience YOU think I should have just so you can feel like you’ve won something just adds to my fear.
For centuries women had to find ways around the men who wouldn’t let women live the way that women wanted to live. Instead of saying no they laid back, spread their legs, and did whatever they had to do to survive the experience, just so that they didn’t get talked about, just so that they could fit in. They starved themselves just so that they could have control over something in their lives, and finally women don’t have to live like that anymore and you still won’t take no for an answer? I have two giant middle fingers for people who refuse to take no for an answer.
Women have come far too far for us to have to continue to fight for the right to say no, and this is especially true when it comes to other women. I remember once having a conversation about why I couldn’t travel half way around the world to be with some guy that I didn’t even really care about that much – at the time I thought I was in love, but looking back I don’t even remember his fucking name. My friend at the time, (I don’t remember her name either) kept telling me that she was pissed at me for not saying “I can’t,” because it was an unacceptable answer to her.
I was like seventeen, broke, didn’t have a passport, and really didn’t want to travel half way around the world to be with some broke ass guy who couldn’t have taken care of me anymore than I couldn’t take care of myself, and none of those reasons justified why we couldn’t “really” be together.
To me it made perfect sense, to her I just wasn’t trying hard enough.
When someone says “no”, “no thank you,” or “no I’m not interested” accept that shit and move the fuck on, because I am done with people who don’t take no for an answer. If you can’t accept my no, then you are never going to be privy to my “yes,” it’s as simple as that.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 