Sometimes the demons just won’t shut up. They constantly want you to believe stuff that isn’t true, they want to trick you into agreeing with their bad ideas, because they say it will make you feel better.
Trust me it won’t.
I saw enough people living on the streets to know that the answer to life’s problems is not going to be found at the bottom of a bottle, but I find myself wanting evermore to reach for that absolute drunken mindlessness that comes with just letting go.
It wouldn’t be appropriate to do all the time of course, only once in awhile, and never when you’re miserable, and only ever just a little bit, because that’s what is appropriate. Don’t over indulge or you’ll make yourself sick, and of course the answer to the sickness is to obviously drink more, because the more drunk you are the less shitty you feel.
Yeah I fucking get it, and everything in me is screaming to wake up in the morning, order a bottle of wine, and drink the day away, but that’s not going to make the demons of my past any less real. It’s not going to make them go away, it’s only going to further decay the tenuous hold that I have on my life.
I am holding it together, but barely, I am doing really well in some areas, but not so well in other areas. It’s easy to say that more money would solve my problems, but that just means that if I had more money I’d be spending more time working on my brand, and less time working on my mental health.
Passing over one addiction for the other, so interestingly, I am actually grateful to be where I am economically speaking, because it’s emotionally and mentally safer, which is a rather rational thought for someone who is feeling like her entire life is falling apart around her.
The interesting thing is that I left my job five years ago, I lost all my friends four years ago, I got arrested three years ago this year, and yet I still feel like I am falling. The memories of my past are starting to shift over, as if my brain is trying to protect me, and I am getting frustrated with the fact that if I forget, then it really will be in the past.
I have spent so many years of my life being completely miserable, that the idea of me being happy is utterly terrifying. I feel like I am losing sense of all self, I am becoming this new person that I don’t understand and yet don’t fully know, and I am kind of intimidated by her. Largely because she is fully aware of who we are, and she is fully ready to take over and take responsibility for the next however long of our future.
She’s a wildcat, unafraid of the demons, annoyed by their lies, frustrated by their thoughts and opinions, she doesn’t have time to put up with their bullshit, and yet I find myself still listening to those voices as if what they have to say has any merit what so ever.
The truth is that the demons and angels of your past don’t get a vote on your future, not when you’ve done the work to change your life. Look I know what I am saying, when people fuck up in monumental ways they should absolutely be punished, but it’s not up to me to decide what that punishment should be, nor is it up to me to decide if that punishment is fair.
That being said, anything under than a hundred and twenty years for rapists, pedophiles, and murderers, is not fair, in my personal unexperienced opinion.
All I know is that the people in my past seem to think that what they have to say about me matters, and I am trying to figure out when I’ve been through enough that I can shake my head and say “no you don’t,”, because frankly I’m over it.
All the romances, all the dramas, all the bullshit that we used to put up with because we would rather spend time drunk with people we hated, then sober with people we loved, was exhausting, and I never want to go back to that kind of world again.
I never want to surround myself with people who are sicker than I am, thinking that I can save them, and myself, and the world, all by myself. I am tired.
I would like some peace now please and thank you, and frankly, to me, peace means moving on from the past. I don’t know if I will ever fully forgive my rapists for what they did to me, but what I do know is that I am willing to try, if only so that I can forget they existed.
So that my body, mind, and soul, can move on from the traumas that have held me back for so long. I am not saying this is going to be easy, or that this is going to happen over night, or even that it’s going to happen at all. Because I am tired of hating those people.
They mean nothing to me. I am who I was always meant to be, they were merely a diversion on my path, not because I went wrong, but because the Universe decided to play “lets see what would happen” with my life, and the lives of millions of others.
Bad shit happened to me, and it fucking sucks, it’s terrible, it’s evil, and I know that the men who hurt me are going to get away with it, and are probably laughing about the fact that they got away with it, but I don’t care. They are irrelevant. No one knows who they are, but by the time I’m done with LMBG everyone will know my name.
I matter to the history of time, I matter because I get up every single day and spend most of my day forgetting that my purpose is literally to find ways to remind myself that I fucking matter. I matter because I am doing the work, and no one can change that.
I have spent my life making excuses for abusers, playing the “well if they hadn’t been abused in their childhood” game, but the truth is that at a certain point we are all responsible for our own actions.
I can’t change the fact that they did the things they did to me, so why am I going to waste my time trying when I could be spending time building a future for myself?
I have a responsibility to myself, to use my time here wisely. I have a responsibility to all of the people around the world who support me, and that’s to remember that life is precious, and as much as other’s might think I am, I am not actually throwing my life away.
I am doing what I want to do, so that I can grow into the kind of woman I would be proud to tell my great great grand children about.
I want to leave a legacy behind me, a dynasty, of powerful women – and men – who will grow up to do things that change the world for the betterment of each and every single one of us.
Regardless of color.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
2 thoughts on “I’m Tired And Cranky, And So I am Writing To Feel Better”
I write to feel better too. Much cheaper than therapy and kind of more freeing too. Xx
that is the truth