Did y’all know that I don’t drink? I mean given that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, who would blame me if I found myself diluting my braincells with the majick liquid that is alcohol to deal with the nearly daily panic attacks that come from spending every day of my life alone.
No, I don’t drink, and it’s not because I am a part of AA or NA, it’s because I don’t fucking drink.
When I first came home from being arrested, one of the first things that I did, was to stop at a dispensary and buy an ounce of weed. For someone who didn’t smoke weed – at all – that was quite a bit of weed to start off with.
I spent three months getting stoned out of my tree, because as I’ve said before, I needed a cushion, because I could feel myself falling down mentally and I didn’t know how else to deal with the pain that I knew was coming.
Smoking weed forced me to admit the truths that I had been holding back for more than thirty years.
It forced me to rip myself a part and share with the world and my family, that I had been through some shit, and when I was finally done listing all the terrible horrible things that happened to me, I was done.
I don’t feel sorry for the girl who went through all that stuff, I feel absolutely empowered by her. I like the fact that the moment I close my eyes, my mind flashes back to the worst nights of my life, as if trying to re-write what happened during the events that I was gang raped.
But with marijuana, I can actually handle these mental health issues that came seemingly out of nowhere.
Once I realized everything that I had been through, I was able to start to recognize that what I was experiencing was PTSD. Although I’ve never been properly diagnosed by a Doctor, because Black woman, I know that I display all the classic signs of PTSD.
Knowing that has helped me to learn how to focus my healing on all the things that I was ignoring years ago. I talk to my Doctor once a month about my exhaustion, I am more honest with my therapists then I ever have been before.
I have my Sister Sessions with the Bud Sista’s at least once a week, as well as therapy, as well as meeting up with the Militantly Mixed group that Sharmane puts on every Sunday.
These conversations combined with habitual use of marijuana has made it easier for me to deal with my anxiety, depression, and the sheer misery of knowing that I have never once been left alone by the men in my life.
The anger that I feel is internal instead of external now – which isn’t to say that I am keeping it in, but to say that I am not lashing out the way that I used to before I started smoking marijuana. I am more honest now with who I am as a person, and who I want to be as a woman.
I recognize now that I am in a place of recovery, and while it may not seem conventional for most people, it is what is finally working for me.
For the first time in my life, the people in my life can’t ignore me when I say something is wrong. For the first time in my life I actually feel heard when I am in a place of isolation and fear.
For the first time in my life, I am starting to piece together some sort of happy that helps me envision what life could be like if I continue to refuse to give up on myself.
None of this would have happened without marijuana, and that’s why it’s so important for every day average users to share their stories with this medication.
There are too many Doctors out there that are convinced they know everything, that are convinced every problem can be solved with a pill, instead of listening to the studies and the patients that they serve, they are stuck in their old ways, refusing to talk to patients who use marijuana as a medication. Much less prescribe it themselves.
I admit that I spent years being afraid of this drug, because I know that when I am stoned, whatever it is that I am really thinking comes out whether or not I like it.
I spent years drinking because drinking allowed me to hide what I was thinking and how I was feeling, I spent years drinking because I wasn’t ready to face all the things that I had been through that had dragged me down for so many years.
I know that marijuana isn’t for everyone, and that everyone will have a different reaction, but for me it made a world of difference and I couldn’t responsibility continue to write this blog if I didn’t share that.
Since I started smoking habitually, I’ve had a huge decrease in panic attacks and nightmares. I remember standing in WalMart one day and my mom asked me what was wrong, I told her I was having a panic attack. Without any of the screaming or dramatics, without any of the losing my breath, I was in the middle of a panic attack and I was able to control myself. That had never happened before.
Since I started smoking weed I started this blog, wrote a book, and started a clothing line. Things that were dreams before, have become a reality now, purely because I opened myself up to the sacred plant that is cannabis. Just something to think about.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall