Throughout the Marvel and DC universe, there are stories of characters who would rather die than give up their boss, who is almost always the big bad evil guy that is willing to destroy the world to make a point.
The truth is no less strange about human beings, who apparently packed Granville Street in Vancouver, in droves on Halloween night, 2020, in the middle of a pandemic.
I just had a really terrible meditation, wherein I realized that if one small thing had changed about my life, then maybe it wouldn’t have been so utterly, fucking difficult.
If I hadn’t chosen to be a writer, if I hadn’t chosen to believe that one day my story would matter, if I had just assimilated into society like other kids my age, maybe I’d be normal.
Until I look at all the idiotic “normal” people who decided that going out on Halloween without protective gear in the middle of a pandemic is a good idea.
In my meditation tonight, I could almost hear the voices of my abusers as they admitted truths that I know they’ll never say out loud to my face. It’s wishful thinking, but that’s because the last time I was gang raped, I was willing to die in order to survive.
Whatever they threw at me I got through, kicking, screaming, bitching, moaning, conjoling, promising, bribing, whatever it took to survive that night I did, and I shouldn’t have had to, but I survived because I wasn’t going to give them the ability to fucking murder me and get away with it.
I think about the fact that at any time these men could decide to get their revenge against me for speaking out by coming after me again. I think about this fact every day of my life.
The reason that I speak out is that so there is a record that someone, said “this happened to a girl named Devon J Hall.” The reason that I speak out is because if I don’t fucking talk about what happened to me who will?
And as I sit here writing this I realize that I am absolutely utterly pissed at my abusers. I am pissed that they did what they did, I am pissed that I had to debase myself to survive it all, I am pissed at God for letting it happen. I am pissed at friends who pretended to be my friend.
I am just all around fucking angry, that I survived everything I have survived only to end up living in the middle of a fucking pandemic. I can’t go anywhere because I am not an essential worker, so that means that I spend the majority of time alone in my own fucking head.
When I do communicate with other people, it’s through Zoom or Facebook rooms, through the glass of a computer held together by wires connected by the majick that is wifi.
I am lonely, and I am tired, and I want 2020 to be over, and I want 2021 to be about building bridges and cleaning up the debris of 2020.
I do not want it to be another shit year where we’re all stuck at home unable to go out and enjoy the world because people are too stupid to do what they need to do to protect their neighbours and communities.
I would like to celebrate Pride next year, and my birthday, I would like to visit my friends around the world and I would like to have some mother fucking stability in my life.
Yeah sure I get to sit at home on my ass and write every day, and yes through my writing I am helping others by speaking on the topics that matter to me, great, what the fuck ever, what good is it if I never get to see another human being in person again?
I don’t have a big family, and I don’t have a ton of friends, the friends I do have are spread out from here to Italy, from Spain to Acapulco, they are in Trinidad and Jamaica, they are in Toronto and London.
So the chances that I’ll get to see them in person is long off at the best of fucking times, but it’s sure as not going to fucking happen if we can’t open up the economy and start selling things again, because every penny I earn comes from this website and selling my hoodies.
If we ever want to get to have our lives back, then that means doing the hard thing, the responsible thing, and staying home unless absolutely necessary. I know it’s hard, and I know if you’re living in a domestically abusive situation the advice I am giving does not apply to you.
But if you are living in a relatively safe and warm place, stay the fuck home. On Halloween, on Thanksgiving unless it’s to celebrate with your family and close circle. Just be fucking smart, and stop being a bunch of exploitable, selfish, whiney little bitches.
We’re all fucking lonely, that’s why we’re connecting through Zoom and Facebook, it’s why the BudSista’s were born, and thank the Goddess they were.
I am fucking angry that in 3 days there is every chance in the world that Donald Trump is going to get another four years, because I can fucking promise you if he does this pandemic is going to last a whole lot longer, and then we’re really going to have a problem.
If you can’t do it for someone else, then fucking do it for yourself. Fight whatever demons you have to fight, suck up the isolation, suck up the anxiety, and fucking deal with it.
Focus your energies on healing, instead of whining and complaining. Write about your pain, connect with others through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Zoom.
Share your stories by creating blogs or art, find ways to stoke the flames of excitement and creativity that were slaughtered when you became a fucking “adult”.
Being an adult means knowing when to have fun like a kid, and when to do the responsible thing, and I am sorry if but if you’re out on fucking Granville Street partying in the middle of a pandemic, you fucking end up getting sick, I am not going to feel sorry for you.
I really hope the lot of the people who went out to get drunk and party last night don’t end up dying, y’all don’t deserve that. But you do deserve me telling you that you’re a fucking idiot for going out to party in the middle of a God Damned Bible Warned PANDEMIC.
You fucking MORONS.
/ End Rant
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 