So without going into detail to protect the other members, I am now taking group therapy.
Interestingly after therapy I had a session with one of my BudSistas, which was really helpful because for the first time I said some things out loud that I hadn’t said before to another human person.
We were talking about faith, and I admitted that to be honest, as much as I know in my heart God exists, I am still mad at God, for a lot of the shit that I went through. I still blame God, for not protecting me or not sending anyone to save me from what was happening.
Yes, there is a certain amount of pride in knowing that at the end of the day I saved myself, but it would have been helpful to have anyone at all intervene before things got to be too bad.
I grew up loving superheros, but not really believing in them because I feel like I feel so deeply between the cracks that I was genuinely forgotten for nearly thirty-four years.
When people did finally stand up and pay attention it took me going to the hospital three times, and having two massive emotional break downs before I finally started to get the help I needed. I am resentful of that.
Knowing that, is very different from acknowledging it out loud. I said that to my BudSista today and it felt really good to express that, and to have someone understand what I am going through. So today was all about the healing.
I am not sure what to expect if anything from this group therapy, but I am willing to try it because I know that I have hit the wall when it comes to what I know and how to deal with what I’ve been through.
I am fully aware of the fact that the kind of help that I need is not going to be addressed in the therapy group that I have joined, but I hope that I will learn some skills that will help me deal with what I’ve been through.
That’s all I have right now for you, I am trying the absolute best that I can, and that’s all I can do.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall