I think that we can all agree, the fact that I had a nervous break down at age thirty-six is fairly unsurprising, given everything that I have experienced in my life.
I am completely unsurprised that I had a nervous break down, I’m just proud that I made it as far as I did, because let’s face it, I’ve been through a lot.
The thing is though, that after having had the mental break down that forced me into the hospital, I was placed on out patient care. Which means I live and work from home, but the Doctor has the right to call me back to the hospital whenever she wants, and that could mean, having me arrested by the police again.
So now we’re talking about seriously taking me off out patient care, and suddenly I find myself absolutely terrified.
Not being on outpatient care means they can’t make me take my medications, it also means they can’t have me arrested and driven back to the hospital, it also means, that I don’t have that cushion of having a team on my side the way that do now. I wouldn’t have to talk to the Doctor if I don’t want to, I wouldn’t have to check in with my psych nurse either.
The thing is, as much as I want to be on out patient care, I still want to make sure that I have my medical team on my side, that means taking my medications, as prescribed, even when I don’t want to, and making sure that I check in with them whenever possible.
Having Nurse Flowers help me (that’s what I’ve decided to call her) has made a huge difference in my life. Knowing that I am finally getting the help I need, is also helpful and I am not as resentful as I thought I would be at this stage in my life.
It feels good to know that there are people whose job it is to care about my mental health, and I honestly don’t know what I would do if I no longer had that cushion anymore.
Now that I am here, in this place of keeping myself accountable, the question was asked, how are you going to know if you’re feeling good because you’re feeling good, or if it’s because of the medication?
There is a chance that I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life, my only concern is making sure that it’s the right medication.
I think even if they do decide to take me off full time out patient care, I would like to continue to see the new Doctor. I quite like her, I actually laugh when I am talking with her, and I feel like I can be more honest about what I am doing and how I am doing, than I did with the male doctor before her.
I don’t think that I am ready to fly 100% solo yet, when I was talking to my mom about it, I tried to express the same feeling. That I am not emotionally, and mentally where I want to be, so that I can feel strong on my own.
It helps to have the Doctor and Nurse Flowers purely because they help to keep me accountable with my emotional health, and I honestly think that without them, I might not be as accountable.
I did mention that having this website and the brand also helps, because I have made a concentrated effort, and a promise, to always be honest with you all about how I am feeling and what is going on with my mental health.
I think combined, having the blog, the doctor and the nurse, and my mom, helps to make me feel like I have a genuine supportive group of people and things that are helping me to get healthy, but I am definitely not ready to be on my own just yet.
Acknowledging that is important, because it means that I know and am fully honest about where I am in my mental health journey, which is important to me.
No, I am not ready to be on my own yet, but it helps to know that the goal I have been working towards is so close. It means that in my future I will be able to take these new skills I have learned over the last year, into my future, so that I can be a better human and a partner to my future person.
I am excited, but nervously so, because I know that there will come a time when I no longer have my current support team to fall back on. One of the things we talked about today was the fear that without medication things will get bad again, which is why I am in no rush to get off meds just yet.
Things have been good for so long, that I am not ready to rush into them being bad again.
Recognizing that you have a problem is the first step to dealing with that problem right? So that’s what I am trying to do, as honestly as possible.
Have any of you gone without meds after using them for awhile? How did you and your doctors come to a solution? I would really love some advice here.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall