Someone asked me recently why I am afraid to leave my house, part of it is the mind crippling fear that I am going to get jumped by someone who hates me for the things I say and have said on this website.
But part of it is that I am dealing with depression, lack of motivation and zero interest in doing things that I know are good for me, like going outside.
I am fully aware that I am going to sit back when winter comes and regret not having spent the summer the way I should have, by going for hikes and walking like I did last year.
Last year I was active, and I was all over the place trying to find my place in the world, dealing with having had a mental health break down, and trying to just exist in a way that didn’t hurt too many people around me.
I think I did an okay job, I realized a lot, I learned a lot, I recognize a lot of things about myself that I need to work on and heal.
This year however the only thing I wanted to do was focus on working on my brand, and while that seems healthy, when you’re sacrificing fresh air and work outs to sit on your ass and smoke all day, it’s really not that healthy.
So I thought a lot about what changed between this year and last year, and the only thing that has really changed, is that all that stuff I talked about recognizing, hurts to deal with.
It’s difficult to really do the deep dive, because it means paying attention to the fact that there are things you can change, about your life to make it better, and it is annoying to know that whatever your reasons, the fact that changes are not happening, is because you’re not making them.
Looking at yourself is hard.
It’s healthy, but it’s also one of the hardest things that I have ever done. For a lot of my life, I kind of just moved from one place to the other, trying to find my way, hiding out and becoming a hermit when things didn’t go my way or when I got hurt.
This is not new to me, staying home all day and doing the things that make me happy, but this is the first time that I am deliberately choosing to make my time here matter. That I am putting effort and energy into something other than myself.
I am not quite sure, but I feel like I am climbing a mountain without the proper gear, I have a toe hold, but I am not entirely sure where to put my hands. I am learning as I go, thankfully it’s a small mountain made out of marshmallows, but I know that it won’t be forever.
As the mountain gets bigger and the challenges get more difficult, I am trying to prepare myself for come what may, but I also know that sitting around smoking all day is not the thing that’s going to be prepare me for those challenges.
“So what are you doing to change that Devon?” Absofuckingloutely nothing.
“Because it’s hard”
“Life is hard”
“My life is harder than most peoples”
“Snort, get over it.”
That’s the conversation that I keep having with myself, over and over. Lots of people have it hard, but that doesn’t stop them from trying to do the hard thing, even if it’s frustrating and scary, because they want different options, and different options means making different choices.
With the world in a full state of chaos right now, I need as much comfort as I can get, which means I am not making the choices that I need to make, to get healthy again.
Which is frustrating. I wish I could dig deep and do what I NEED to do, which is quit smoking and start walking again, but honestly, my soul is just fucking tired.
At the end of the day, that’s the reason I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am fucking tired, like all the time.
The exhaustion feels like an excuse, and if it were anyone else that’s how I would approach it, because it genuinely feels like I am choosing to be exhausted, but I am not choosing this.
This is not how I planned to live my thirties, but shit happened, and now I am reacting the best way that I possibly can, like many of you out there.
I am just trying to get through from one day to the next, while causing as little damage as possible.
How are you doing today?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall