Maybe it’s because the drinking phase of my life is out of my system, but I can’t stand the idea of letting myself have more than one or two drinks at maximum. I absolutely refuse to drink with men, period. That won’t happen again.
Maybe it’s because of my past experience or maybe it’s because I’ve grown up but the idea of staying drunk all the time doesn’t appeal to me. My appetite for life is too great to let myself fall down that rabbit hole again.
Getting gang raped was my rock bottom….having all the memories flood my brain at the same time however was the absolute worst sensation I’ve ever experienced.
Alcohol at it’s core is a depressant, and I’ve been depressed enough, I am actually genuinely bored with depression and I am trying not to entertain it anymore, and that means refusing to feed into it with negative behaviors that I know won’t be healthy for me.
That also means cutting down on marijuana use and knowing that it’s not necessarily the best idea to be blitzed every second of the day, as much as I genuinely want to be.
My focus is on staying healthy and that means rewriting my brain, rewriting the way that I look at the world and how I see it.
For the last two years I have been using marijuana to help me deal with anxiety, depression and PTSD, and I’ve been using it liberally.
When I first started smoking, I didn’t care where I got it or what might be in it as long as it made the emotional pain stop, now I am a bit more careful about what I smoke and where I get it from because I know what it’s like to be completely out of my mind on the bad shit.
To this day I am convinced one of my former dealers was mixing shit into my weed, it was…suffice to say, a bad supply.
Now the weed I get is from a reputable company that delivers, and I know that I am safe smoking it, I no longer have the out of whack paranoia that comes with smoking rotten marijuana, the best description for weed that’s been mixed with something harder. I can’t prove it, and I am fully aware that the paranoia I used to deal with could have probably come from bad memories, but I doubt it.
There were too many “bad trips” for it to be a coincidence.
Now that I am older, and somewhat wiser, I don’t need the weed -all- the time. I can go hours without smoking, but I still haven’t hit that point where I can go back to days without using it and that’s my focus right now. Focusing on not using it every single day is healthy, because although it helped in the past, it’s too easy to fall back down into that rabbit hole of depression and dispare again and I never want to go back.
I know it’s easy to want to drink the pain away, especially in this time when everything is so up in the air and confusing, but that isn’t going to make it better. Drinking and drug use isn’t going to make your problems go away, they will still be there when you sober up, waiting for you to answer them honestly.
When I use it judiciously, marijuana is a medication like any other, when I abuse it however I end up with days of depression and misery that make me feel like I’ll never climb out even though I know that I will.
I am becoming more of myself, with the help of a Doctor who doesn’t really believe me, which is frustrating but part of the solution. I am more and more convinced that I know what happened to me was wrong, and I know that how I am dealing with it is rather unconventional, but I am doing exactly what I can to get where I want to go.
I don’t want to be a shell of my former self, I want to be a whole new self. Marijuana has definitely helped with my meditation, but I also know there is a danger zone with it just like any medication.
It is at the end of the day about finding a safe balance between the two, smoking and not smoking. Knowing that I can trust myself to get done what needs to get done without being stoned is the next hurdle that I face and I am eager to take on the challenge of staying sober longer because I know that can only make me stronger.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall