Dreams & Nightmares

I Don’t All The Time Learn My Lesson

I’ve always been the kind of person to do things my way, even if and largely when, they got me into trouble.

That was probably because a lot of people gave up on me pretty early in life, they figured I was just a Black kid with a single mom who didn’t matter as much, for whatever their reasons are.

Yet here I am being my awesome self, doing exactly what I want to do with my time on my terms and I honestly am genuinely happy with my life.

And I’ve been trying to figure out how that happened, because no one ever gets everything they want, when they want it you know? But I am one of the lucky few who is content with their place in the world, and I am not sure how I got here.

I don’t all the time learn the lessons that I need to learn, and that’s largely because of my own doing, because I am too tired to pay attention to the lesson or more likely because I am just not ready to accept it yet.

And I don’t feel guilty about it, or ashamed either, because sometimes even though the lesson needs to be learned, sometimes the lesson can wait, you know what I mean?

Like I know the fucking stove is hot, I don’t need to touch it with my hand to know that it’s going to burn my hand. So I know that toxic people are no good for me, I don’t need to go back to that lesson, but there’s other stuff like if you don’t clean up your shit no one’s going to clean it for you.

I’m well aware leaving my clothes on the floor means they are going to stay there until I’m ready to move them, and yet I can’t be arsed to learn my lesson and stop tripping over my shit.

I know munching out after smoking weed is bad for me and that I am far more round this summer than I was last year, but again I can’t arsed to care. I know meat is terrible for me, and the planet, but right now damnit I am going to eat meat, because I fucking want it. And because I’m anemic and I can’t afford to eat like a wealthy vegan.

I just don’t have it in me right now to be the person that the world says I am supposed to be. I am so tired of this narrative that if you’re a good person good things will happen to you. I was a good person and bad shit happened to me, it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my choice, it just fucking happened.

So now I am in this place where people are trying to convince me that in order to be more like them – successful and happy – I have to fulfill some sort of checklist of the qualities they want me to have, and I’m over here like…”no?” I’m done with that.

I smoke weed, I drink beer, and I’m fat. You either accept that this is who I am right now or you get the fuck to steppin, because I am tired of trying to be someone or something that I am not to please others.

I got this far being exactly who I am, regardless of what other people thought of me or my behavior and I am finally happy, why would I give any of that up to be something I’m not just for a few extra bucks in my pocket? Sorry my soul isn’t for sale.

I am happy with whom I am as a person, for the first time in my life, certainly that should be something that is celebrated…no?

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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