Things are never going to be the same again, I say to myself over and over again as I contemplate what amounts to more than twenty years of a life filled with sexual abuse.
How do I go backwards? Can I possibly forgive them and move on? Would I let them into my life again?
These questions plague me every day and it’s not just the rapists I am talking about, but old friends too. How do I go backwards after all this time? How do I pick up the phone and tell someone I want them in my life when I am not even sure I want to be in my life?
I don’t have the answer to those questions, anymore than I have the answer to the question “what do you want to do with your life Devon?’ I used to think that all I wanted to do was be a writer…and sometimes when I get the mixture of cigarette coffee and weed correct I feel this way to my core.
Someone asked me recently what I want to do with my life, I’ve been thinking about the answer to this question for months. I want to heal. Beyond that I don’t know the fucking answer because I’ve never been free before…I don’t know what I am supposed to do with all this freedom.
So I am wasting it on getting to know my farting burping weird beautiful self, with the aid of medication and weed I am barely coasting through life every single day, my life is not bad….it’s just on hold.
As I’ve repeatedly said I’ve been isolated for the last two years, and I’ve done this before, gone into these stages of what can only be called grief, when things got bad…but for the first time I feel genuinely free and I am terrified that it is going to be taken away at any moment.
I am worried that the rapists are going to come back and finish me off for talking about what happened to me. I am worried that Doctors are going to say I can’t function in the world and lock me up again.
I am afraid all of the fucking time, and oh yeah added to that fear we have actual Nazi’s murdering children in schools in the United States of America, President’s talking about how Elder’s are fucking expendable and humanity is facing a fucking pandemic head on completely unarmed.
That sound you’re hearing right now is the sound of the world changing irrevocably, and what we do now in this moment is going to reverberate through the following years for generations to come.
But at least Donald Trump stood up for himself when he decided that certain Governor’s weren’t polite enough to him. That’s a win for all of humanity.
A friend of mine just told me his wife and baby had a fight over cookies and I am reminded that in the middle of a pandemic babies are being born all over the world and I find some semblance of help. If not me, perhaps one of them will grow up to save the world and every creature that lives on this planet.
If not me, maybe the next generation, and yet the next generation is in the process of being killed by the last generation, because the last generation believes that the world would be better off as long as the economy doesn’t tank.
I keep saying those words out loud and here on the blog because I can’t believe they got said, in public, on international television.
I am in shock.
Not just because of Trump and the famous Trumpets Squad of morons who think that shit, but because I am free of my rapists. They can’t hurt me anymore because everyone knows who they are now. They can’t hide in the world because there will always be people who wonder, and then there are those who know for sure that I was and am telling the truth. Finally.
So whatever happens from here on out I am free, they’ve done their worst and taken twenty plus years of my life, but here I am free, an Island among many, and I am completely and utterly in shock.
That’s how I would describe myself right now. I am shocked that I surprised, I am shocked that I witnessed so much fucking evil in sooo little amount of time and I am alive to talk about it if I choose to.
I can’t fucking believe I lived through all of that only to be told “don’t bother going anywhere, the entire world is shutting down because of a pandemic.’
Babies were born today.
The world is dying.
Babies died today.
Trump said something super stupid and totally dangerous today.
The BABIES ARE HERE DAMMIT.
Focus on the good stuff they say, remember the small moments they remind us, and we do that of course we do that, until we remember where we are and where we came from and how we got here and then we wonder what the fuck we were thinking.
“How could I be so stupid to go meet men I didn’t know at sixteen in the middle of the night?”
“How did I survive going out in the middle of the night by myself and going for “walks” because I prefer night to day?” The stupidest shit that I would never in a million years do today, is the same behaviour that should have gotten me killed as a child.
I got raped a lot but I did not die. There is…hope in that.
I am writing. There is hope in that.
I am repeating myself. I am alive to repeat myself. There is hope in that.
It’s the hope we have to look for, the same hope that darkness hides with it’s slithering lies and cruel manipulations.
It’s hard to find and that’s usually because at least in my life, the idea that we had to survive so much to find this place of….calm, is too overwhelming to understand all at once, hence the shock when it finally sets in.
There is hope in that.
Sending all my love,
Siddha Lee Saint James