Am I Still Allowed To Believe in God?

I left the church when I was about eleven years old. I always figured after being raped by a Priest, God would understand. I didn’t really understand it myself honestly, until I sat down to write this post…I’m not even sure that I do understand how I feel about God.

But I’m trying, hence the question…if you aren’t Christian or Catholic, are you still allowed to believe in God and find ways to worship God in your life? Or…is it hypocritical?

I grew up believing that the idea of “God” was a collective, more than one, more than anything we could understand.

I will never forget asking my teacher in whatever grade I was in, where God came from, because if God made us something or someone had to make God.

I decided that God came from the evolution of that which came before, which was something but nothing and everything all at once.

Breaking it down like that helped me to realize after being raped by that Priest, that God and the idea of God was deeply personal for everyone.

I remember a Pastor who told me “My God has chosen to show himself to you in a way in which you are willing to accept, which is for you a woman.”

That was such a powerful statement because it helped me to heal the relationship I wanted to have with God but didn’t think I had the right to.

That’s what being raped by a Priest will do to you, it will convince you and force you to believe that you must have done something wrong, something to deserve the act of rape being perpetrated against you.

It seems and it feels like, we are in the middle of a time of change in our world. We are literally in the middle of a pandemic, and not all of us have Leaders that can help ease the pain and suffering we are all experiencing who else can we turn to?

For me that’s God. It’s the idea that there is a bigger plan than I can understand right now. There is hope in the world and I am holding onto it with everything that I have.

God offers me a comfort and a balm against a world that is harsh and cold and cruel, and I know that I haven’t always been a big fan of the big guy(s) or girl(s) upstairs, but in this moment I am really happy that I am finding my way back to my spiritual faith.

It’s filling a hole that drugs, alcohol and partying never could have, and I resent the idea that anyone would try to tell me that I can’t believe in God because I am not Christian.

Several years ago I learned that once you leave the Scientology Church, you’re no longer allowed to practice what you learned, and I find that heart breaking, because like it or not there are people who have found peace in the teachings of Ron L Hubbard. There are people who want nothing to do with the church, but do want to live up to some of the ideals as long as they aren’t hurting anyone.

I don’t see the problem, I think as I’ve stated before that faith is deeply personal and in a time when so many people are suffering right now, God gives me hope that things are going to get better.

Last year at Pride I was sitting rather smugly in the sun while watching the LGBTQ allies argue with a man who told us all we were going to hell. He was standing in the shade and I thought that might be a message from God, “we’re in the sun so we must be right,” until the sun went away and we were all in the shade and I realized how…judgmental I am.

I judge others. I am human, and while I don’t think it’s right, I understand why I do it.

I judge those who think I am going to hell for being bisexual, I judge those who support Donald Trump and the Conservatives rather than the liberal types.

I judge those who tell me that the time of a pandemic is not to the right time to discuss rape, I judge those whose flow, morals and life ideals do not match up to mine, because I think that I am right when I say every body should be free to live and love whoever they want, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone.

I believe that my idea of God would agree with me, because I believe at the absolute source, God in of itself whatever or whomever God is, is about love and I don’t believe that love should cause pain or suffering for other human beings.

I don’t have faith in humanity, but I do have faith in God, and I think that the two are not so dissimilar, I think that having faith in something larger than us can give us enough hope to get through the dark times. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it personally, but that’s my journey.

I don’t expect anyone to follow me, I am not making a call to action, I am just saying that in dark times we have to turn to something, to someone to lead us so why not God?

I’m also not saying that God is a cure all. I’ve never believed that God should or would solve problems that many of us can solve ourselves, but I think that the idea of God gives us the strength to believe that with God behind us anything is possible.

I think God is inspiring, and powerful, and love, and I think these things are important weapons against my mental health issues, so how can it be bad to believe in something that makes me feel better in times of darkness right?

My name is Devon J Hall and I believe in God, and I am proud to say that for the first time in twenty plus years. I might even write some posts on Bible stories one day, but until then I hope you have found something that has brought hope to your home.

Let me know in the comments below,

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall