I’ve been thinking a lot about how I am not doing “a lot” of active healing. By active healing I mean I don’t have a job, I am not working towards getting one and my house is still in a state of semi chaos.
I am not doing the things that I think I should be doing, and my excuse is that I am genuinely tired all the fucking time. I don’t have the energy to move the way that I used to, and I am genuinely afraid that I will always feel this way. I’m not sure how to get out of this rut that I feel like I am in, so I am doing little bits of things.
Little bit of stair work here or there, a few squats when I feel up to it, I am putting in as much effort as I am able every day. I am even trying to make sure I write something every day even if its something that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I am doing the little bits.
The hope is that I eventually start doing the medium size bits, so that eventually I can work my way up to doing the big bits, until it’s so routine that I don’t worry about how big or little I am able to accomplish each day.
The problem however comes when I allow myself to be complacent, if I am not moving forward how am I going to heal?
I have to keep pushing myself to go further and further each day, but I am so fucking tired. I know this means I need to change my diet, I need to start working out more, and I need to get some better sleep, and I am working on it, but I am so fucking exhausted.
I don’t often talk about how I am feeling from day to day because I don’t want this to be a blog where I just complain, but I also want to be honest with you.
Life gets hard and it’s super easy to say just push past it get over it, but what about the days when you can’t? What about the days when you just don’t have the energy to push towards a healthier life? On those days I try to give myself permission to take a break.
Not every day is going to bring a breakthrough, not every day is going to be a success, and that has to be okay. It has to be because it’s perfectly normal to sit around the house and be tired.
It’s allowed, and when you’ve been pushing yourself to do better, even if it’s just a little bit each day you have to make room for your body to adjust to the new parts of the routine.
I am struggling with that part. With not being able to push myself further, even though I know I should. It’s like my brain is telling my body to move and my body is refusing to move in its entirety.
I’m trying to push myself. It’s all I can do. The Little bits.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall