I have been thinking about what it would take for me to be truly happy. I think I want my person, you know that other human that some people have, who live with them and love them in such a way that their lives are enriched by the presence of another human being?
Enriched, not completed. I want my person. But I’m not yet ready for my person. I need to learn to clean up after myself, and to fix the things about myself that I don’t like so I can be ready to be the equal partner of another human being.
That is incredibly overwhelming. And scary.
I’ve also been wondering how to talk about my abuse with outsiders. Openly, fully aware that I am having the conversation, I’ve never done that before.
The only time I really talked about the abuse I suffered I was being hypnotized, with the exception of my mother, my doctor and my Psych Nurse, I haven’t spoken about my abuse consciously and openly in a healthy way before.
So how do I have a relationship with another human being without letting the damage of the past affect the future? I haven’t figured that out yet but I am working on it. Largely because at some point it’s going to come up with someone, whoever that person will be, is going to need to be prepared for the conversation.
“So hey person I might fall in love with, I spent most of my life being raped,” not exactly a sexy conversation. There is a lot of expectation that the person I end up with is going to have to deal with my issues for the rest of their lives, and it’s hard to expect that anyone is going to want to do that. Thus the fear that we will be alone forever, because we start to think that no one is going to want to take that on.
But when I really think about it, I am actually a really good catch. I’m a good person, I care about others, I believe in the idea of love and love forever, and I care about the people in my life. I do the best I can to help others when I am able, and I am mostly fun to be around.
I used to be really funny and I have to believe that I will get back to being that person one day, in the mean time I am doing the work I need to do to get better, so while I’m not ready right now to be in a relationship, like many of you I do wonder about what will happen when I am.
I used to be really into online dating, but I’ve done that so much that I’ve pretty much killed any kind of interest that I might have had with meeting someone online, so where do you even go to meet someone when you’re ready to look for a relationship?
I’m well aware the man that I am going to fall in love with isn’t someone I am going to meet online, let alone in a bar or nightclub. Been there, done that.
How do I say to someone I want to get serious with, that I’ve been through being a part of a sex cult, that I survived twenty plus years of the abuse at the hands of the leader Keith Rainier?
It’s not an easy conversation to have, so it’s going to have to be someone special. Maybe I’ll get lucky and it will be someone who has already read my blog…which is kind of creepy when you think about it.
For the mean time however I am going to focus on my relationship with myself. Starting with taking myself out for a date day on Wednesday, I am going to see Knives Out, because well let’s face it, Chris Evan’s is my fantasy boyfriend, so I have to support his work. It’s only fair after all considering how much I adore the guy…..I’m not even making excuses I am going to see it because of him, because the idea of sitting and watching his film for the next two hours makes me smile, and I need a smile, so I am going to take whatever excuse I can get.
What made you smile today?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall