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Yes, that could have been me (Letter to myself)

I could have been the girl who had a baby with a boy I didn’t really love, I could have been the girl who walked away from her daughter, her son, her family, because it was the easy and selfish choice. I could have been that girl.

I wasn’t though. I was the girl who stuck it out and stayed around, watched from afar and wondered what could have been, and now that I’ve seen what could have been I am not impressed.

I’m not impressed that your daughter thinks your existing in her life is a present, because she sees you so rarely. I am not impressed that you slapped my face and the mark still burns years later, not because it was justified or right, but because you had to impress some guy that you barely see, even though he’s the father of your child.

I’m not impressed with his racist family or the money he makes or the parties he throws or the pretentious way that he pretends I don’t exist, and that the harm he caused doesn’t matter.

I’m the girl who chose to remain single until I found someone, find someone, who deserves to share my time with me. I’m the girl who chooses to try her damnedest to stand on her own two feet even though every single day is like walking through hell with glass in my feet.

I’m the girl that looks at men like Jagmeet Singh and smile proudly because I know he gets it.

I am the woman who fights for what I want on my terms, while doing my best to leave as little damage as possible, I’m the girl who chooses to be alone and lonely, rather than surrounded by people I can barely stand, just so that I can be a present to someone.

I’m the kind of woman who refuses to be friends with a woman who heard about my miscarriage and told me how lucky I was to have the asshole out of my life, forgetting that it meant that he and I, that yes we, lost a child. Together.

That’s the kind of person I am, a good person who loves the asshole even when I know I shouldn’t, I love a lot of dirt bags, a lot of men who did terrible things to survive because I know what it feels like to be a soldier in the war against child sex traffickers. I’m the girl who kept her mouth shut for more than twenty years and didn’t say anything about what we were going through, because I knew it was safer not to.

I’m the kind of person sitting on my couch watching Pearson, wishing that I had my person to cuddle up to, knowing full well that the only thing I could bring to their life right now is more baggage than I can handle myself, and none of it is easily put away able.

I’m the kind of person who checked out of the lives of the people I love and loved, will always love, just because it was easier.

Yup. I’m that kind of person.

It’s these days that I will remember when opportunity and success come knocking at my door, it’s these days that I will remember when I am standing on that stage accepting my Emmy Nomination for Best Film or whatever, it’s these moments that I will remember, and be grateful for, but in the moment, these moments fucking suck, because I’m the kind of person who recognizes that.

Tonight I’ll go to bed and cry about what might have been, and then I’ll remember that just because it could have been doesn’t mean it was supposed to have happened, because if it did, it would have.

Sending all my love to those suffering and surrendering to the moments right now,

I love you,

Devon J Hall

 

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