I want to make some stuff very clear. I am very much living in crisis and I have been for the last five years since I started writing this blog.
I have written two books on how I survived going through all the things I went through, and what I saw when I was going through those things. Now I’m here and I am expected by some folks to have all the answers and honestly, all I can say is “read my books, it’s all in there.”
I have been struggling lately with what I thought was brain fog, but it is really just anxiety and trauma responses for days now. I’ve been triggered and I don’t know what memory has been unlocked but I know it’s something and I also know that that “something” is causing me a great deal of stress every day.
I struggle with getting the garbage out on time, and I struggle with running into my neighbors even though I fake being happy to see them, honestly, every encounter leaves me wanting to curl up and cry.
The books I wrote include all the tools that helped me get this far but I feel like I’ve hit a small wall and I’m not quite sure what to do about it. It’s not completely unbreakable, it’s just…larger than I thought it would be and I’m not quite sure how to get past it other than to just go through it full steam ahead.
I know that cleaning is difficult for many people, but for me, it makes me genuinely ill to clean up after myself. Like I get so tired, my back hurts, and there are all these other physically violent indicators that lead me to believe that cleaning brings about a trauma trigger I don’t fully understand, but I’m trying to.
That being said, I’ve been open about this with my family and my doctor and I’m getting help for it, but it’s a struggle to explain that I need to focus on what is, not what people think the reality is. I don’t care that my doctors think I’m schizophrenic, I care that we’re going to do something to keep me sane, safe, and happy. That’s all that matters to me.
So every day I’m going to try and do better, and be better than I was the day before, yesterday is for learning, today is for doing, and tomorrow is for preparing.
Always forward, never backward, always forward, always.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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Loud Mouth Brown Girl 